Picnic

1999 feels like it was thirty years ago

Doesn’t it?

We did Picnic in 1999

Opened our season with it

And by the end of the season

Everything had changed

Samantha, our Artistic Director

Would be gone by the end of the season

After a really good run

Wanna hear the irony of the whole thing?

God, where do I start?

Samantha may be the only person

In the history of the Orpheus Theater

Who got criticized by the Board

For not being daring enough

Sam wasn’t all that good

With daring plays

She could do classics

And family-friendly stuff

And make money

She was very good at making money

Which is exactly why they hired her

But she didn’t know how to do art

To save her life

And I think around 1999

The Board started mentioning to her

How the theater wasn’t relevant anymore

And what was she going to do about that

It was sort of like saying—

Hey Cat, we brought you in to get the mice and you did

Good job

Now what are you going to do about the snake?

A Board is never happy

So we’re doing Picnic

And Sam’s terrified

Because, for her, even Picnic was a risk

We rehearse it

We open

We don’t know

We wait

At the pub

We just wait

Because, honestly, in my opinion

Picnic is just one of those shows

That could be great or awful

And if you’re in it

It’s really hard to tell

Which one it is

That’s Inge for you

We’re at the pub

And one of the guys from the newspaper comes in

And he always knew what review we were getting

Before we got it

He shakes his head

No good

And Sam just loses it

She starts pounding her fist on the bar

And kicking over stools

And it takes two of the guys to sit her down

And me to get her to start breathing normally again

I end up taking her to my car

Where we sit in the front seat

And listen to a light rock station

While she tells me how she should just quit

Which she would, eventually, but not right then

I say, ‘Sam, you put that show together for the critics.

Top to bottom

That was not a show for an audience

But for the three or four people out there

Who were going to give you a headline

And what you don’t realize

And what most of the AD’s haven’t realized

Is that a critic knows

When the director is saying “Fuck you”

To the rest of the audience

Making critics like you

Isn’t going to make you relevant

And mounting shows that have title value

Isn’t going to make you relevant

And doing anything to please anybody

Isn’t going to make you relevant

The show needs to mean something to you first, Sam

We all look to you, you know?

We look to you

And if we’re looking at you

And you’re just looking at ticket sales

And reviews

Where the hell does that leave us?’

She just sat there

She just…yeah

You know, I don’t think a single Artistic Director

Ever knew what to do with us

The acting company

We were either their enemy

Or their unsupportive, dysfunctional family

Or their competition

Or their toys

Or their burden

But none of them

Not a one

Ever treated us

Like artists

Like it was important to make sure we felt like

We were giving something

Like we were contributing

At least, that’s how I felt

I wanted someone to hand me something impossible

Something they thought I couldn’t make work

And say—‘Go for it’

That’s all I ever wanted

As an actress

To take those risks

What else is there, you know?

What else

Is there?