The Bad Seed

I remember that they wanted me to cut my hair

And I had no intention

NO intention

Of cutting

My hair

They thought I was being all cute and precocious

Like, ‘Oh, isn’t she sweet.  Doesn’t want to cut her hair’

And so then the director said—

‘Sweetie, you have to cut your hair.

Otherwise you might not be able to be in the show’

So I threatened to take them to court

And then they backed down

You know, they were sooo put off

By what a little brat I was

But then again

That’s why they cast me

We were doing The Bad Seed

For crying out loud

Of course, this was four years ago

So I’m a little older now

A little more easy to deal with

That was back before I discovered Eastern philosophy

And Adderall

Mostly the Adderall

But I’m not here to share treasured childhood memories

I’m here because I recently became the National Spokesgirl

For Penmark Jeans

And sadly

That makes me

One of this theater’s most successful alumna

I wonder how that must make

All the actors feel

Knowing that their own administration

Considers them second place

To a girl who booked a national campaign

Just because she was walking through the mall

At just the right time

The problem with the Orpheus

If I may be so bold

Is that it’s currently run by spin doctors

And not just the people who are paid to be spin doctors either

But everyone—

The Artistic staff

The actors

The ushers

They’re all about fame

This place is a theater

Fame has nothing to do with it

Although we can’t really start talking about fame

That’s a different show

This is just about actors and acting

And I am not an actress

I never was

Not a good one anyway

I was decent enough at playing myself

But putting on a character never suited me

Although I suppose I’ll be a pretty good

Spokesperson for those heinous jeans

But that’s nothing to be proud of

The actors here should be proud

But they’re not

Because people like me

Get paid more than they do

And what’s worse

We get more attention

And most of them will never be okay with that

Which I find incredibly sad

Because the truth is

I’d rather be them

Than me

I used to look up to these people

Even if I did make their lives a living hell

While I was working with them

And now…

Well now they seem even smaller

Than I was back then

Well, if you’ll excuse me

I think they want to take my picture or something

Taking pictures is still one thing

I know how to do

Well