Deathtrap

I worked with pretty much all of the independent theaters in town

Once they broke off

From the Orpheus Theater

The Crash Course Group

The Sultanic Imperialists

The Dashing Habberashers

I think it’s a rule that if you have an independent theater

You have to name it something

Pretentious and stupid

The one that actually stuck around the longest

As you probably know

Is the Henley Theater

Chris Henley, the Artistic Director

Hated the Orpheus Theater and its Artistic Director

More than anybody else in town

Probably because he auditioned seventeen times

And never got in any of their shows

He decided he was going to bring them down

And he went out and got tons of donations

From all the other actors who never got in the place

Some of whom went onto successful careers

Henley’s first production was Deathtrap

And I got cast in it

Now, I’m not stupid

I knew that back then

I wasn’t the best actor

I mostly just played at it for fun

And my main job was painting houses

But I painted Henley’s house one day

And we got to talking

And I could tell he kinda thought I was cute

So the next thing I know

I have a lead role in his show

Now, the thing you gotta know

Is that Beau, the AD of the Orpheus Theater

Hated Chris Henley about as much as Chris hated him

So the night we were supposed to open Deathtrap

In this old abandoned warehouse on the west side—

(I remember Chris saying—it’s perfect!  We’re doing Deathtrap in a deathtrap!)

--I had just started walking up to the theater

When a car pulled up alongside me

Like in one of those mob movies

The window rolled down

And it was Beau

‘Get in’

So I get in

Because I’m curious

Although later on

I realized that there was a good chance

He might have just shot me

The guy was a wacko

Instead of just killing me

He did something even worse

He offered me a spot in his acting company

If I would bail on Deathtrap that night

And for the rest of the run

He must have known we didn’t have understudies

And that if I blew it off

They’d have to cancel the first weekend

Until they could find somebody else to learn the role

And since the whole run was only three weekends

The show would probably just fold altogether

And the Henley company with it

So what did I do?

Here’s where we should talk about loyalty

Now, an Artistic Director

Or, somebody who makes their living directly from a theater company

Will talk a lot about loyalty and professionalism

And commitment

Those are the words they use

To scare actors into doing

What’s against our best interest

As an actor, you look out for you

And only you

And yeah, maybe you don’t want to burn bridges

But when the bridges all hate each other

And are trying to burn each other down

You kinda just have to pick which one you like the best

And hope you make the right choice

So I chose

I chose the acting company

Henley went on for me with a script in his hand

And sent me a letter--

(This is back when people actually sent letters)

--Saying I was going to pay for what I did

And he wasn’t wrong

When Beau left the Orpheus Theater for the second and final time

The new Artistic Director saw me for the lousy actor I was

And demoted me to painting sets

Which sucked but was fine at the same time

Because that’s all I started out being anyway

I would have liked to have kept acting

But I didn’t like the politics of it

The pettiness

Being good at politics and war and nasty shit like what Beau did

Is what makes Artistic Directors good at their jobs

But it’s what makes actors suck at theirs

So I stuck with painting

I still got two good seasons at the Orpheus

It’s two seasons more than Chris Henley ever got

And if I sound like a jerk, well, keep listening to the other stories you’re going to hear

Because trust me

Nobody who did theater in that town

Was a saint

Nobody