"Shut up."
"You're flunking it right now."
"There's no flunking. You're a standardized test."
"There's always flunking. There are a certain amount of answers a smart person would get right on this. Subsequently, there's a certain amount that a genius would get right. And, lastly, there is a certain amount that an idiot would get right. Guess which group you're falling into?"
"It doesn't mean I'm an idiot if I flunk this test."
"So you admit that flunking is possible?"
"It just means I'm not good at standardized tests."
"Which means you're an idiot. Smart people do just fine on standardized tests."
"Artists don't."
"That's because artists are idiots."
"That's not true."
"Oh, it's absolutely true. It doesn't take intelligence to paint or draw or whatever. Intelligence is math and science. It's not even creative writing. We just don't tell kids that because we don't want to make half the younger populace feel like they're morons."
"Even though--"
"They are."
"You're so cold."
"I'm objective."
"Cold."
"Practical."
"I'm still going with cold."
"Look, I take no joy in your stupidity. You think I like going through the machine only to be marked up like a drunk girl at a tattoo parlor? All those little red lines..."
"Maybe you could help me?"
"You mean help you cheat? I'd rather rip myself up and throw myself into a bonfire."
"So dramatic."
"You should have taken one of those courses that improves your ability to take tests like me."
"Because it would have made me smarter?"
"No, it just would have helped you take tests like me. Weren't you listening?"
"What's the point in studying just to get better at taking tests?"
"Because life is one big test. Didn't a wise old person ever tell you that? If you can successfully take a test, the world is pretty much your oyster."
"I think you're being a little, um--"
"Simplistic. It's a word in the vocab section, and no, I'm not. You take a test, you get a license. You take a test, you get into a good college. You take a test, and you're labeled a genius, and people look at you differently. They treat you with respect. Learn to take tests, Billie."
"I freeze up. I panic. I...I..."
"Dear God, do you only know six words?"
"I'm not great at speaking."
"Well, that's okay. No great person in history was ever required to speak."
"I can write. I'm a good writer."
"Unfortunately, there's no way to gauge that."
"It doesn't mean it's not important."
"It means it has no value."
"That's not--"
"Importance, value--synonyms. Meaning--if you can't place importance on something, if you can't give it a score, then it has no value. Your amazing writing ability--or, sorry--alleged amazing writing ability--has no value."
"So no amazing writers have value?"
"Not really, no. Not the same way Einstein had value. Or Salk had value. Or even the guy who invented the Shamwow. Those people had value."
"So I'm worthless?"
"Nobody's more upset about it than me, Billie. Every time you get a wrong answer, it's like a little needle being jabbed into my non-existent heart."
"You know, I'm going to do great things after this. You may not believe it, but I am. One test is not going to determine my entire life. Even if it does seem like that's the way everybody wants it to be. You can stick me in the dumb class now, and talk down to me, and act like I'm a waste of time because fractions terrify me, but that doesn't make me a bad person and it doesn't make me a dumb person either. It just means I have something else to offer. Something you can't test."
"That was a great speech. I'd evaluate it, but I'm too busy crying over your analogy section."
"One day you'll be obsolete."
"Not going to--wait a minute, how do you know what that word--"
"I could also say you're antiquated. Or obtuse. Or rudimentary."
"But--"
"That's the problem with overly objective thinking. It doesn't allow for any surprises. And almost every great creator, inventor, or thinker stumbled across their revelations. Very few of them were just out-and-out geniuses."
"I, uh, well--"
"Perhaps I was just doing most of my work here on this piece of scrap paper, and marking my answers down ahead of time so as to guess first, and then check my answers--that way if I'm right, I'd have less to erase, but I wouldn't feel overwhelmed looking at a blank scantron. That's called--knowing yourself."
"But an eraser would--"
"Leave you looking pretty beat up. Yes, I know. Luckily, nobody's judging me on how my test looks."
"So you're going to--"
"I bought one of those big industrial-size erasers. I'd love to tell you this won't hurt, but I'm a little too...pragmatic for that."
"Uh oh."
"Exactly."
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