Meetings

If you can think of it
Dream it, imagine it
Then trust me
I've had a meeting about it
About doing it
Playing stuff, I mean
Parts, or like directing
The occasional writing offer--adapting, whatever
But mainly, like, the acting stuff
And producing, yeah, but that doesn't count
Because everybody and their gardener gets asked to produce something
At least twice a day

I've been asked to play every world leader
Dead and alive
Napoleon, Alexander the Great, Hitler
All of them

I've been asked to play athletes
Major fictional characters
Holden Caulfield--everyone's been asked to play him
Confederacy of Dunces?  Same thing

I was supposed to play God twice
Then a Greek god, then a Norse god

Cellists were really big a few years ago
All these Hollywood actors
Were learning to play the cello
Because every potential Oscar-winner
Had a cello in it

Then it switched to violins
And now it's tubas
Every story is the heart-warming epic
About a mentally challenged tuba player

Archery is really big now
A lot of archery projects
And calligraphy
A lot of movies being made about calligraphy

I'm in meetings right now
About this really intense calligraphy movie called--

Times New Roman

It is going to be huge

I mean, it is going to change the way
We look at both movies
And inoffensive fonts

I also have a meeting today
About this project we're set to start filming next month
Called Heimlich
About the guy who invented the Heimlich maneuver
And how he might or might not have been a cutter

Claire Danes is going to play Mrs. Heimlich
It's going to be everything

To be honest with you though
Sometimes I'm sitting in a meeting
And I look around
And I stop whoever's talking
And I say--

'What is this meeting about?
No seriously
What are we even talking about?'

Because I don't know

And the crazy thing is

A lot of the times
When I do that
Nobody else knows either

Isn't that wild?

I mean, like
Isn't that kind of
Weird?