I'm Only Gay for Brian Williams

I swear, it's been a one-time thing
And you know, if you ask me
It's really Connie's fault
Because I have absolutely no interest in the news
Like, at all, but--she, like, loves to know what's going on and shit
So we were watching the news
And Brian Williams comes on
And, I don't know, I just felt, like...

Kinda turned on, you know?

And I thought maybe it was 'cause Connie and I hadn't, you know, in awhile
But then we did, except we finished before the news was over

And I looked at Brian Williams
And I just got, you know, all over again

So, it turns out, I'm gay for Brian Williams
Which is like, not as bad as being gay for other people
Like, my boss at work or something
Who I'd be seeing all the time
Or, like, my best bud Steve
Or, that guy at the gym
Who always looks at me when he's toweling himself off

That guy's like, really gay
Like officially gay
I'm just temporarily gay
Or, like, seasonally gay, whatever
And it's only for, like, one person
I mean, if you only liked one cheese
You wouldn't say you're a cheese-lover
Because there are, like, a million cheeses in the world
And you only like one of them, Dad!

Sorry, I don't, um, know where that, yeah

I don't know what it is about Brian
He just seems to know stuff
Not like the other stuff that other anchors know
But, like, real stuff, you know?
Like stuff they don't tell the other guys
Because they're not as badass
As Brian Williams

I tried to get Connie to read the news to me
I told her it was this role-playing fantasy of mine
And she was up for it at first

But then she kept doing this weird Diane Sawyer thing
And then, like, unbuttoning her blouse
And talking about the weather
And I was like, 'Stop!  Stop!  Stop!
What are you doing?
I don't want all that girly stuff
Talk to me like you're Brian Williams'

And then obviously she got really freaked out
And we had to have, like, normal sex that night
Instead of, like, Brian Williams sex
Which was sort of what I was going for

For the most part, I can contain my new-found lust
It's all a matter of self-control and determination
And also, only watching Good Morning America

Connie's still a little suspicious of me
But at least now she doesn't push the news on me
Like she used to

Let's face it

There are some things
I just don't need to know about