Robbie in a Tie

I remember Robbie in that tie
The day the school took us to New York
Just for the day

Connecticut prep school
A trip to see a Tennessee Williams play
The irony only now reaching me

Suppressed as a I was
A teenaged bottle of hormones
And energy
And this crush

This harmless crush
On the sophomore chaperone

Robbie offered to be one of the five seniors
Keeping an eye on us
Because he wanted a free trip to the city
He wanted a day pass out of the prison

To go to some museum
And meet the guy he'd been talking to online

I remember how polished he looked
Almost like he'd been styled by a professional

While I was sloppy
Untucked shirt
Poorly knotted tie
Scuffed shoes
A few too many pounds
Around my waist

Robbie was the after
To my before
But I didn't know that at the time

I didn't even know
How in love with him I was

I thought it was a simple idolization
An older-brother-younger-brother kind of thing
Until he put his hand on my shoulder in the bookstore we'd all stopped in
And said--'Hey kid, let's go'

He didn't even know my name
But I knew his
And just that touch
That quick touch
That little bit of attention
And I was hooked on him

I stayed hooked for a long time

Even after that spring
When he graduated
I held onto him in my mind
And that day in New York

I had dreams about how it could have been
The two of us--Robbie and I
Riding the subway to Coney Island
Or walking through that museum together

Sitting in Central Park
Talking about which college we'd go to together
NYU or Oxford?

Even now, years later
Over a decade, actually

I still see that smirk on his face
When I turned around and stuttered something
Something that was supposed to be clever
And how he just laughed kindly at me
And then put his arm around my shoulder
And led me out of the store

I don't remember many physical things
The body gets used to certain sensations

A kiss
A punch
Even an...

Well, you know

But that arm around me
Around my shoulder

There isn't a part of me
That can forget that
What that was

Suddenly I wasn't a kid who knew everything
Suddenly I was an adult who knew nothing

In a great big wonderful city
With the boy of my dreams

And even though the circumstances
Weren't in our favor
The memory shapes itself over time

It becomes more and more ideal

It's like a gift your mind gives you
So you can keep on living
Without having your heart be broken
Over and over again

Robbie moved to California
After he graduated
And I never heard from him again

I guess I could find him now
If I really wanted to

Who knows what would happen?

The weight around the waist is gone
And I can tie my tie

Overall, I'm a little more polished
Than I was then

But why spoil what my memory has tried so hard
To make perfect?

Why go back to New York?

Like so many things
It's far more beautiful
From far, far away