When Paul Masturbates

When Paul masturbates
God cries

God doesn't cry when just anybody masturbates
Only Paul

So that when Paul's high school Health teacher, Sister Jo
Tells him and the rest of the class that when they masturbate
They're hurting God
She's not entirely lying
Because God is very much hurt
By Paul masturbating

Every time Paul masturbates
God, who is usually in a good mood
Starts to feel down
And thinks--

'Why am I feeling so sad all of a sudden?'

And then God remembers
'Oh right, Paul must be masturbating'

Sister Jo actually has a feeling this might be the case
She looks at all the other boys and thinks--

God probably doesn't care if these boys masturbate
I can't imagine that he'd expect any more from them

But then she looks at Paul
And thinks--

Except for Paul.
If Paul masturbates God is probably horrified.
Paul should know better.

And her hunch is correct

When Paul masturbates
Endangered animals across the world
Slowly begin to die

They know it's because somewhere
A fifteen-year-old boy is masturbating
And they wish they could find this fifteen-year-old boy
And beg him to stop
But they can't
So they die
And everybody blames poachers
When really--Paul is the culprit

When Paul masturbates
Natural disasters happen
That wouldn't otherwise happen
If Paul just took a cold shower
Or went outside and played a nice game of softball
Or took up a skill, like playing the cello

Instead, he takes to his bed
With the image of Young Sister Sarah
Who teaches Advanced Portuguese at his school
--Ringing in his head like a glorious church bell
With bright red hair
And the daintiest ankles ever created

And suddenly there are earthquakes
And tornadoes and flash floods
Where there could have been just sunny days
And clear skies
Had Paul not started thinking of Young Sister Sarah
And her intoxicating ankles

When Paul masturbates
Somewhere, in a dark, dark cave
His grandfather, who allegedly died when Paul was six
After crashing a plane in the Andes
Is actually alive--merely trapped
Unable to get out of the cave
Because Paul masturbating
Is what causes rocks to keep falling down
In front of the cave's entrance

'Paul,' Grandpa keeps yelling, 'Please--'
'Stop masturbating!'

But Paul keeps right on going

And so Grandpa stays trapped
And that is very, very sad
A few of the rocks even hit him on the head
And yet he doesn't die
Because dying would be too easy
For someone who has a grandson
Who masturbates
Like it's no big deal

But Paul doesn't know any of this
How could he?

But if he did
He would probably feel very, very badly

But would he stop?

Probably not

He'd probably
Keep right on going