If You Think I Won't Grab the Candy

Trent, I just want you to know
That I seriously value your friendship
I truly adore you
And everything about you
But five seconds ago
We walked through a door together
And I don't mean metaphorically
I mean, we actually walked through a door
A door that said 'casting'
And signed an audition sheet
And now we're looking at sides
And in a few minutes
We're going to take turns
Going into a room
And fighting for our lives
To get on a little show
Called The Young and the Restless
And whoever doesn't get hired
Should probably just throw yourself into a lava pit, Trenty, somebody, who said what?

Here's the thing, Trent
Life is all about candy
Candy is happiness
But happiness doesn't really strike
A sharp visual image
Do you know what I mean?
Are you following me?
This is why I'm not worried about you getting this job
The job being the candy
The candy ultimately being happiness
And I'm not worried about you
Stealing my happiness
Because you can't even follow
A simple symbolic, metaphorical image
That drifts in and out, yes, I know, you're a loser, what then?

Trent
You are a priceless individual
Who I am literally going to slaughter
Like a tied-up pig
Because I need the candy, Trent
The world is made up of two kinds of people
People who will grab the candy
And people who won't
Because they feel bad
That their friends can't have candy
And they think--Oh, wellll, maybe there's enough candy to go around

There's not
Trust me
Candy is rare
And comes in small quantities

So I will grab the candy, Trent
And if you think I won't grab the candy
Then please keep thinking that
Because then nobody will be stopping me
From grabbing the candy

I'm grabbing it, Trent

I'm grabbing it
I'm eating it
I'm loving it
You're done

So good luck

...And let's meet up afterwards for lunch and to talk about how it went, okay?

Sounds good

I'm glad we can be adults about this