Why I'd Have Sex With Paul Ryan

Listen, straight people
Because clearly this is difficult
For you to understand

When I say I'd have sex with Paul Ryan
I only mean I'd have sex with him

So please stop turning your heads
Like I said I was in love with his policies
Because I can practically hear your inner monologue screaming at me

'Oh my God!  A gay guy likes Paul Ryan!
Doesn't he know Paul Ryan won't let him get married?'

Calm down, people
I'm fully aware that he's a moron
And I have to say
I didn't think I'd have to explain to people
Especially straight people
Half of whom are straight men
The difference between wanting to have sex with someone
And actually liking them

Paul Ryan is hot

Is he a douchebag?

Yes, and that only makes him hotter

The same way it made Pamela Anderson hot
You know, in, like, the 90's
Or Megan Fox
Or any girl that has ever been cast
As the girl who dies first
In any horror movie

Straight guys don't like those girls
They don't want to converse with those girls
If they spend any time with a woman like that
It's only because the girl's keeping them at bay
And milking them for a little while
Until she draws them in
And eats them

...Or something

The point is, Paul Ryan can't draw me in
I don't have to vote for him
To want to have hate sex with him
Where I tie him up
And make him call himself names
And then paint a donkey on his chest

I want to have sex with him
And it doesn't mean anything

It's just that most people won't admit
That they want to have sex with someone
Who they really don't like at all
Because that seems shallow

But so what?!?!?

My penis has no idea
What political party he's affiliated with

Yes, my mind finds him repulsive
But if it was up to my mind
I'd be having sex with John Irving
And unfortunately, my penis is not up for that
He just isn't

So yes, I would have sex with a guy
That I'm never going to actually have sex with
So it's not
A big
Deal

Geez, people

It's not like I'm going to vote for the guy