Vivica A. Fox Did My Taxes and Stole My Husband

I'm just saying this to warn you
Because I know what you're thinking

'Oh gosh, how nice of Vivica A. Fox
To offer to do my taxes for me.
I mean, so what if she's not a licensed accountant
And so what if she's making eyes at my husband?
She's Vivica A. Fox!
She was in Independence Day!
What harm could there be in letting her into my life
To control my finances?'

I thought the same thing

So I said, foolishly, 'C'mon over, Viv!'
And she came over
And proceeded to do my taxes
With such disregard
For accuracy
Or even logic
That I was nearly sent to prison
For trying to defraud the government

Now, that could all be one big honest mistake
I mean, it's perfectly reasonable to think
That even someone with a passion for taxes
Who has absolutely no experience doing them
Could screw up someone's forms enough
To get them tried by the federal government
And if I'm being honest, isn't it partly my fault
For allowing Vivica to do them in the first place?

I'll admit, it was sort of so I could brag to my sister
She's always going on and on
About how Luke Perry was her divorce lawyer
And how wonderful it went
Even though Luke Perry isn't an actual lawyer
So I thought, Well, fine--Luke Perry may be a good divorce lawyer
But he's no Vivica A. Fox!

But then, to find out that when I was being held in custody
By the government, who by the way, are not as nice as you would think they'd be required to be
--Vivica A. Fox took my husband to the Bahamas!

So of course, I'm upset
And I call Vivica
But at that point
She's not answering my calls

So I call my husband
And a few hours later he gets back to me

At this point I've been let out on bail
So I'm soaking in my tub
And the phone rings
And it's Connor
And I say 'Connor, what were you doing in the Bahamas with Vivica?'
And he says 'Well, she wanted to have an affair, but to be honest, I really didn't like her in Independence Day.'
And that's when I realized
That the entire thing had been a charade
So Vivica A. Fox could steal my husband

So I said, 'Connor, I'm so glad she didn't convince you to have an affair.'
And he said, 'Well, I didn't say that.  I just said I wasn't a fan of her acting.  But then she gave me a million dollars and now we're getting married just as soon as I divorce you.'

Now, of course, I was stunned
I mean, where the hell did Vivica A. Fox come up with a million dollars?

That woman hasn't done a decent movie in ages
She can't have that kind of cash
Just lying around whatever dump she's living in

So I say, 'Connor, are you SURE she has a million dollars?'
And he said, 'Well, she cut me a check'
And I said, 'Connor, that check is going to bounce.  Vivica A. Fox is TERRIBLE with money.  She did our taxes and she got everything wrong.'

You know the box where you're supposed to put your Social Security Number?
She wrote down Bill Pullman's phone number
What the hell am I supposed to do with that?
Nobody wants to talk to Bill Pullman

So Connor goes and tries to cash the check
And, of course, it bounces
So he comes running home to me
And I tell him 'No more Vivica A. Fox!'
Except for Kill Bill: Volume One
Where she's brutally murdered

God what I wouldn't give to be Uma Thurman
In that movie
And that, coincidentally, is the ONLY time anybody has ever
Wanted to be Uma Thurman 

Well, the point is
The whole thing is a cautionary tale
About letting former celebrities into your life

You can't just say
'Sure, Linda Cardellini, borrow my lawn mower!'
Because it'll end badly

Trust me
You'll regret it