When We're Visiting Scott

When we're visiting Scott
We're usually alone
Without Ben and Katie
Because it's still hard to explain
To our kidswhy Mom and Dad still cry
And the only time we even suggested taking them
Katie burst into tears
And it took two hours to calm her down
So now, we just go alone

We don't think she's afraid of cemetaries
We just think she can feel how tense
The whole situation makes us
And she doesn't understand why

It's all right, we feel like saying to her
It's not an easy thing to understand

When we're visiting Scott
We get dressed up
One of us in a suit, the other in a nice dress
We're not sure who we do this for
Since we don't go anywhere before or after visiting Scott
Just to a diner down the road from the cemetery
Where we order poorly made eggs
And avoid eye contact with everyone
Including each other

When we're visiting Scott
We don't talk about him as if he's gone
There, underneath us
Where he's been for twelve years

We talk in active terms
About things he would have liked
If he'd have stuck around to see them

And sometimes we don't talk at all

When we're visiting Scott
We consider holding hands
But it seems inappropriate somehow
Like it would make him jealous
That it would somehow make his death worse
Because here we are, alive, together

When we're visiting Scott
We grieve in different ways
One of us grieves a former spouse
And the other grieves for a best friend

One wishes she had children with Scott
At least one
To have some living memory of him

While the other is relieved she didn't
Because it would make things that much more complicated
And Ben and Katie already ask too many questions as it is
About the man Mommy and Daddy to go visit
Once a month

We say he was our friend
And that he died
And that we miss him
And these things are true

We don't say that he was married to Mommy
And Daddy was the best man at the wedding
And that by then, Mom and Dad were already sleeping together
And that when Scott found out about it
He drove to a bridge
Got out of his car
And jumped

We don't say any of that

We just say he was a friend
And he's gone
And we miss him
And we're not lying

Not at all

When we're done visiting Scott
We get in the car
And think about the note on the nightstand
That fell under the bed
Next to where Scott kept his pair
Of dress shoes
And who wrote the note
And who might have dropped it
Or caused it to fall
And who hadn't heard from him for too long
And who kissed who first
And fault fault fault fault fault

We think about this
But we don't talk about it
We just sit quietly
And float
In our shared guilt
Our damning guilt

Then we go home
Eat dinner with our kids
Who are four and six
One of whom is a boy
Whose name is Ben not Scott
Because...

Because everything is a slap in the face
Every happiness is a happiness we do not deserve
Every smile is stolen
Every laugh is a mocking laugh
Every day is a day that does not rightfully
Belong
To us

So we take one day a month
To visit Scott

We give him that at least
Or at least, we feel we do

But when we're visiting
It seems like he'd rather
We'd just leave him
Alone