The Auction

-- For Burr --

"The Auction"

Cynthia bid on the Nero sculpture
The one with the body of Joan Collins
And the face of the Emperor
Sitting atop a gerbil
Smiling

She wanted to give it to her sister-in-law, Mone
Who would be dumb enough to believe it was art
And feature it prominently in her front hallway
Which would repulse Graf's mother
Who would promptly cut Mone out of the will
Because Graf's mother was that kind of a person

She bid low
Believing nobody would want it

She was wrong

Bahra bid on the sculpture
Because she loved Joan Collins
She loved Dynasty
She loved Fallon
She even loved Dominique
And in her home country
It had only been on for a few years
So she was still caught up
In the Moldavian terrorist cliff-hanger

She was planning to buy the sculpture
Chop off the head of Nero
And send the whole thing to Mrs. Collins

'From Your Favorite Oil Baroness'

Then they would become great friends
The best of friends
They would sit by a pool
And playfully mime a catfight
Perhaps falling into the pool on especially hot days
When there was nothing else to do

Just in case
Bahra had extra lily pads put in the pool
On a weekly basis

She bid immediately after Cynthia
Perhaps a bit too soon
Cynthia seemed surprised
And prepared to up the bidding
But Dalo beat her to it

He wanted the sculpture because it was campy
He wanted to put it next to his giant portrait
Of Whoopi Goldberg having tea with Andre the Giant
Dalo just loved the sort of thing
His partner, Jreu pronounced "John"
Used to find all of it fun
But now he was a big saggy poop

When Dalo brought home a hamster cage
With a life-size Sigourney Weaver in the middle of it
Jreu threatened to move out
If he didn't take it back

'Take it back? How the hell am I supposed to take it back? I MADE it!'

Jreu didn't understand Dalo anymore
Nobody did
Except his Ant Pauline
Who was sitting next to him
Still looking wonderful at one hundred and three

Dalo bid and then bid again
Which promptly confused the auctioneer
Who didn't even have time to stop him
Before Cynthia jumped in with another bid
Which sent up a bid from Bahra
And before long
There was a frenzy

When it was all over
A collector from Nicaragua
Who wanted the sculpture
So that he could display it
In his Room of Virgins
Bid the highest
And got the goods

He did it over the phone
Which everyone found to be unfair
Even though it was perfectly within the rules
Ant Pauline spit on the floor
When the auctioneer yelled out 'Sold'

The three other bidders
Left dejectedly
To separate cafes
Where they considered their loss

Cynthia decided to leave her husband
Bahra decided to sell her television
Dalo decided to make a jukebox out of hair
Ant Pauline decided on the pudding

All in all
The day was not entirely unsatisfactory
Not a bad lot at all