The Mormon East Side Beach Party

We put the sand in the bathroom
Covered the tile
In sand we bought
At the local hardware store

We think it's the sand
You throw over vomit
But if that's the case
Then buying it was a smarter move
Then we realized

We filled the bathtub with water
Then poured a couple cups of salt into it
To give the appearance of the ocean
We tried to make the water look bluer
By putting food coloring in it
But then Kris got stupid
And poured some green in there too
Claiming that the ocean is a 'blue green'
Which it might be
But now the bathtub looks like a fucking swamp

Way to go, Kris

We had Lindy sit on the toilet
And play lifeguard
So that nobody would drown
In the bathtub

And we got a little plastic shark
To put in the tub
Every once in awhile, we told Lindy
Do the theme from Jaws

'Da nuh....da nuh...da nuh...dun dun dun dun DAHHHH!'

That's how Ricky peed in the tub
Which was gross
It was just...

It was gross

We served cocktails in the living room
With little umbrellas
With lots of sugar
Because it's cheaper than alcohol
And inebriation is ninety percent psychological

People were singing the Beach Boys
And Jan and Dean
And putting on leis
Even though this was not a Hawaiian themed
East Side Beach Party

It was meant to be a Cali party
But nobody seemed to get that through their head
And people kept asking
Where the roasted pig was

Dan Dan and Rissa broke up
In the bedroom
Then had a threeway
With Hinkle
And nobody's sure how that happened

Marsella went out on the fire escape
And called out into the neighborhood
Asking if anyone could see the ocean
Because she couldn't find it
Probably because Lindy shut the door
So she could puke in private
In the sand dune near the sink

Marsella was at a beach party
And couldn't see the ocean
Irony

Gidget was on the t.v.
But nobody wanted to watch it
Except the heroin addict
Dan Dan invited
And after that
Heroin Guy wanted to be called--

'The Big Kahuna'

Whatever the fuck that means

When Hinkle was done with the threeway
He called the cops
And told him polygamy was going on
Right here on the East Side
And what was being done about it?

'What are you referring to sir," the operator asked

'I'm referring to a Mormon East Side Beach Party, you fat fuck,' said Hinkle

The cops showed up
A few minutes later
And the party was broken up

Which really sucked
Because we were in the last round
Of the volleyball tournament
In the kitchen

In place of a net
We were batting a tennis ball
Over a pizza box
Which is fucking hard, man

When the last of the guests left
I collapsed with a girl in the hammock
Hung from the door of my room
To the door of my closet

We swung back and forth
And a gust of air came in from the window
I told her that I did this for her
That we can't afford a trip to the beach
So I brought the beach to her

She loved that

And outside
I could still hear Marsella
Asking where the ocean was