You Might Not Be Crazy

Have you been eating?

You look skinny
I don't like it when you're skinny
Skinny indicates trouble
You can say I want you to get fat
That's fine
It's true
I would prefer fat

I'm paying for the food here, after all
Aren't I?
Why bother paying
If you're not going to eat it?

Did you draw this?

It's nice
I don't like the dress I'm wearing
Is it a dress?
Or is it a sack?
I'd say sack
A purple sack

Well, at least you made it purple

Do you hate me?
I imagine you do
I imagine one day
Sometime after I decided
That this was where you needed to be
You took all the hatred you had
For the world
For Mom and Dad
For yourself
And you put it all
Right on top of me

That's fine
That's fair
That's what it is

I just need you to listen
To what I have to say
For the next few minutes
And then I'm leaving
And I'm not coming back

Do you understand?

Fine

Janet, you might not be crazy

I know, I know
For years
I have been insisting
Since we were both little girls
That you were crazy
I beseeched Mom and Dad
To put you away
To put you in a place like this
And as soon as they were dead
I did it myself

I was convinced
I'm not convinced anymore
I wish there were more to it than that
But there's not

I'm still not saying you're sane
Because there's just as much of a chance
That you're crazy
But there's also a chance you're not
And the fact that there's a chance
Means I cannot in good faith
Force you to remain here anymore

So if you want to leave
You can leave
Or stay
It's up to you

But either way
I'm not coming here any longer

I came to this decision the other day
When I was cleaning out Mom and Dad's house
And I found your notebook
From when we were kids
The one you wrote in
All the time

I never knew what you wrote in there
I never knew that you were so smart
That you knew so many words for things
I always thought you were quiet at best
And completely impaired at worst

So to open that notebook
And read those stories...

I didn't know you saw the world that way, Janet
I didn't know you were that scared
And I don't know why you didn't say so
That's why I'm here
To ask why

Why did you think Mom and Dad didn't love you?
Why did you have to document every frown
Every disapproving glance from them
And list all of it
As if you were going to try some court case
Where they'd be the defendants

At first I wondered what kind of twisted mind
Makes her own parents out to be so cold
Such cruel monsters
Who torment their children
And withhold emotion from them
And...

I don't remember them that way
I don't remember
I never realized it
But I really don't...
I really don't remember much at all

I thought you were crazy
Because you were so quiet
Because you weren't social
Because you wouldn't speak
Not even to me
Not even to your own sister

But I was talkative
I was friendly
I was supposed to be quite bright
And I didn't see anything
I didn't notice
Any of the things you noticed

So maybe I was the one with the problem
Maybe I'm the crazy one
For believing that my parents
Were such good people

Maybe I'll delusional
For believing there were happy times
That I just can't remember

How happy could they have been
If I can't remember
A damn thing about them?

I mean, what is being crazy anyway?
Becoming catatonic after being deprived
Of love and attention throughout an entire childhood
Or having that same childhood
And remembering it to be a summer in the park?

You've embraced reality
And it's made you a zombie
I embraced fantasy
And I have a good job
And two kids
Who I'm raising...

Probably very much
Like how I was raised

And I didn't even know it
I couldn't even recognize
What I was doing

So who's crazy?

Don't get me wrong
It still might be you
But I'm just not...sure

. . . . .

I'm going to go now
Do as you like
I know functioning in the outside world
Would be a challenge
After being here for so long
But I'm willing to help
In any way I can

I know it's not much
After everything
But it's all I can offer

. . . . .

I don't blame you for hating me
I really don't
I'd hate myself
But it would just be one more worthless thing
A selfish action
And it wouldn't do anybody any good

I have to be productive now
You can't be productive when you're wallowing

Anyway

It was nice to see you
Please eat more
You have my number

And thank you
For the picture
It doesn't look like me

But then again
Who knows what I look like anymore?