Conversational Italian

I only need to learn a few key sayings.

One: I need to learn how to ask someone how they went from a loving wife to a heartless shrew. Como se heartless shrew? No? That's not--Okay. That's what I'd like to call--I mean, say--Heartless Shrew. Do they have a word for shrew? How about ball-breaker? There must be a phrase for that. It is Italy after all.

Two: I need to learn how to order a hit on someone. I'll also need to be able to describe the man I'm putting a hit on, won't I? How do you say 'homewrecker?' Is there a male form of that? I know that not many Italian men would want to admit that their wive's Italian teacher gave her a few extra points on her last quiz, but I'm beyond pride. I'm far beyond pride at this point. So how would I describe a balding man with lots of back hair and seven or eight moles? Sietta o ocho? No, not that way? Okay. I'll need to learn that.

Three: I need to learn how to say 'beg for mercy.' Beg. Grovel. Plead. Relentless. Mercy. Isolation. Devastation. Desperation. Teach me all these words. I want to be able to tell anyone and everyone I meet what I plan on doing once I find my wife. We were supposed to go to Italy together. That was why she was taking Italian lessons. Can you believe it? Our second honeymoon turned into her first--with Octavio. Who the hell is named Octavio anymore? How the hell did I lose my wife to a Spiderman villain? How did that happen? Can you tell me? No, not in Italian. Can you tell me in English? Never mind.

Four: I need to learn how to say 'I'll sell your cat.' Teach me to say it in a threatening voice, as well. Tone is very important. Before I beg for mercy, I want to have a great, strong tone. Teach me how to say 'I'll break your knick knacks.' 'I'll break your collection of salt and pepper shakers.' 'I'll destroy your Osmond records.' Is there a word for 'Osmond' in Italian? Huh? 'Osmond.' Oh, it's one of those cross-over words. Well, that's one down, isn't it? We're moving right along.

Five: I need to learn how to say 'I'm sorry.' I need to learn to say 'I'm sorry I wasn't sexy.' 'I'm sorry I wasn't exotic.' 'I'm sorry I didn't take that stupid class with you because I was too tired after work.' I know I shouldn't be sorry, but I am. Someone takes something from me, and I'm just sorry they took it. I don't understand that, but that's what it is. Now I'm going to another country to get my wife back, and I don't understand why, because I know she's not coming back with me. But I'm going anyway.

Truth be told, I don't want to learn this language. I don't want anything to do with this language.

They call it a romance language. Why? Because it lulls the people who hear it into thinking they can be the stars of some pulp novel?

Because it makes the people who speak it think they can live like Bohemians and take things that don't belong to them?

Why?

I want to know why.

Maybe I wasn't that romantic, but I was a good husband.

I worked hard.
I provided.
I was faithful.

I don't know why I lost her
But I don't really need to know why
I just need to know
What to say
And how to say it
So I can get her back

I need to speak her language
And then maybe I can understand
Where I went wrong