Returning the Death Ray

-- Another Villain Monologue --

"Returning the Death Ray"

No, you don't understand
I didn't want to stun him
I wanted him to explode
Into a thousand pieces

There I was
Standing over him
Pointing my gun
Sure that this time

THIS TIME!

He was a goner
Once and for all

I had trapped his sidekick
In the Lair of Confusion

I had taken away his powers
Using the Elzar Crystal

I had tied him up using a sailor's knot
A flawless sailor's knot, I might add

And then what happens?
My death ray doesn't work

Don't tell me it's the batteries
I put brand new batteries in it
And it still didn't work

I aimed it right at his head
Because, of course
I didn't want to injure him
I wanted him dead

Then I fired
And I fired
And I fired

And do you know what happened?

HIS HAIR TURNED BLONDE!
THEN RED!
THEN BLONDE AGAIN!

You people sold me
A faulty death ray
And I would like my money back

No, I did not read the return policy
Why on earth would I read the return policy
It's a death ray gun
Why would you return it?

If you plan on using it
Clearly you're going to be doing something
Highly illegal

It's not like a dress
You can wear once
And then return

Once you use it
You're going into hiding
There really won't be
Much time for returns

And after all
It only needs to work--

ONE TIME!

Now I have a really angry superhero
Whose powers are almost completely reinstated
Because the stupid crystal only lasts for two hours
Probably untying the sailor's knot
As we speak
And you're going to quibble with me
About a return policy?

If I had a swivel chair
I would be swiveling right now
Swiveling and making you cower
With my swivel

No, I do not want to BUY a swivel chair!

What I WANT is a new death ray
One that actually works
One that can actually CAUSE death
One that has a nice handle
Because I get carpal tunnel very easily

AND I WANT IT IN BLUE!
DO YOU HEAR ME?
IN BLUE!

Yes, I'll wait...

. . . . .

Well...

I see
Yes
Uh huh
Are you sure?
Okay

Yes, I suppose pink is fine
I mean, I'm not in love with pink
Obviously
But I guess
If that's all you have

And this one will work?

Because if I'm standing there
Holding a pink death ray
And all it does is turn someone's hair color
Into a dirty blonde color
I am no longer a supervillain
At that point
I am a hairdresser

You do realize this, don't you?

Okay, fine
Wrap it up

The what?

Why would I need the warranty?