"When Kevin Broccoli Turned Thirty"
I woke up
Remembered that I wasn't in Uganda
Thanked God for that
And opened my eyes
"Well look who's up!"
I wanted to abuse Caramel Jones
My live-in chef
Who just sits around
Eating chocolate chip pancakes
And occasionally offers me a bite
"You look nasssssssty!"
Caramel Jones is an odd little man
Who wears sunglasses in February
Swats at me when I'm surly
And incredibly effeminate
"I'm thirty."
"Shut up!"
"Did you make me a cake?"
"I haven't even made coffee yet."
"Can I at least have chocolate chip pancakes?"
"Kiki, you're thirty now. It's time to start watching the weight."
That reminded me to get on the scale
"Oh God"
For the first time in my life
My weight has fluctuated
"Hahahahaha"
That's my friend Suri, or TomKat
Calling to wish me a happy birthday
She's nine, but a total genius
And filthy stinking rich
As soon as she was old enough to write
She wrote a tell-all about her parents
And a crazy religious cult
Now has a hit out on her life
But enough about her
"Can we talk about me for a second?"
"Suri, it's my birthday."
"Do you want to go to Rococo?"
"I'd LOVE that!"
"If only I could get you in."
"What if I'm with you?"
"Then I won't be able to get in."
"Are you saying I'm not famous?"
"Kitten, you lost the Tony."
"But then I won the Oscar."
"For a movie nobody saw."
"People SAW it!"
"Who?"
"People."
"Nobody saw it."
"Then how did I get the Oscar?"
"It was about gays in Holocaust. Nobody wanted to admit that they didn't see it."
"That's not true."
"Kitten, it was so bad, they gave you the Oscar just so they wouldn't have to see it."
"You're just mad because you don't have an Oscar."
"I have a two million dollar advance on my next book and I'm being home-schooled by Deepak Chopra. What more do I need?"
I reported to work, as usual
The new play I'm doing is called "Ladies"
Ironically, it's not about "Ladies"
To be honest, I have no idea what it's about
But it's a hot new work
By a young author
And my agent said--
"You need to stay fresh!"
"I shower."
"Professionally fresh."
"Gotcha."
"You HAVE to work with Maui."
"But I hate the script."
"It's fresh."
"Does my character get eaten by a giant spider?"
"It's a symbol."
"Of?"
"Uh...That's my other line! Gotta go!"
Looks like I'm never getting that Tony
"Kevin, this is your agent--I forgot--Don't tell ANYONE you're thirty! I'm still trying to book you on that new CW show."
The show he's referring to?
It's called "Tweens"
I'd be playing the role of "Chet, the school geek"
Having an Oscar
Means less and less
With every passing day
When I showed up at the theater
Evan Rachel Wood still wasn't speaking to me
Because I asked why she never smiles
The playwright had also decided
That her character should also fall
To the giant spider
And she was none too pleased
"Kevin, you're here."
"I am."
"Isn't it something today?"
"It's my birthday."
"No, that's not it."
"Um..."
"It's Burmese Martyrs' Day."
"Oh, well, Happy...Whatever."
Evan Rachel Wood climbed down
From the giant spider puppet
Put her shirt on
And started to smoke
Blatantly ignoring smoking regulations
"I screwed Jared Padalecki. His birthday is today."
"Thank you for sharing, Evan."
"Please call me Lucy."
"I will if you smile."
"I hope you fall down a hole."
"A hole? That's the best you can do?"
"Fine. Fall in a meadow."
"That's not really--"
"CAN WE START?"
After rehearsal
I met some of my friends
At the nearest Friday's
For birthday potstickers
Suri couldn't make it
Because, quote--
"I have other things to do."
"Better things?"
"I wouldn't say better. Just other."
"Gotcha."
Caramel Jones showed up
"I don't have to cook, right?"
"It's a restaurant, CJ."
"Damn right it is."
Crazy Playwright couldn't come
Because of a revolution in Russia somewhere
"I'm sitting shiva."
"For a country?"
"For my soul."
"Are you Jewish?"
"I have to go."
I spotted Caramel Jones
When I walked in
Because he was already threatening a waiter
And wearing a mule costume
I don't ask
Next to him was my friend Boo Boo
We call him that
Because he's tiny
And he scares easily
Not because he resembles a small bear
My friend Teddy does resemble a small bear
He's dating Boo Boo
And every so often it gets awkward
Like when they make out
At chain restaurants
Next to Teddy was Sigourney Weaver
My only true friend
"Kevin, darling."
"Hi Siggie."
"How does it feel being forty?"
"I'm thirty."
"In that case, you should go home and rest."
Sigourney Weaver is a bitch
Dinner was a tad lackluster
Teddy and Boo Boo are both on diets
And Sigourney had to duck out
To do another shitty Aliens sequel
Like I care
(I auditioned twice and never got called back
So much for being Ripley's grandson)
I got back home at eleven thirty
I stood in front of the mirror
I practiced weeping
Which usually cheers me up
But I couldn't muster a tear
"I'm thirty"
I just kept saying it
And saying it
And saying it
And saying it
"I'm thirty"
I thought of all the things
I hadn't done yet
I thought of all the awards
I still haven't won
(That Daytime Emmy is so damn elusive.)
I thought of the kids I wanted
I thought of the house I wanted
I thought of the happiness I wanted
And I thought of death
"I'm not there yet"
And that was okay, wasn't it?
That I'm not there yet
People live longer
Lives are more complicated
Oscar-Winners eat at Friday's
Celebrities get eaten by giant spiders
It's all so...funny
It really is
It's funny
I'm thirty
And it's downright hilarious
That I'm thirty
That I made it this far
And that I'm not quite there yet
And as long as it's funny
I can deal
As long as I'm still waking up
Somewhere other than Uganda
I'm a lucky man
"I'm thirty"
And that was when
I felt myself start to cry
Beautiful, phony tears
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