Choosing a Winner

Sleeping with me would change your life
Wouldn't it?

It would give you a tremendous self-esteem boost
That you could probably feed off of for years
Am I right?

Strange how just a few years ago
Sleeping with me would have been an action of pity

And now...

Lose some weight
Move to L.A.
Make a few movies
Come back home
And suddenly attitudes have changed

No more pity
Not that it did me any good the first time

I should tell you that I'm not going to sleep with you
Not because I hold any grudge towards you
For not sleeping with me
Back when I was a big, fat nobody

But because I think it's important
To teach you the value
Of choosing a winner

I should explain--

Two weeks ago
I was sitting next to someone on a plane
Who, if you can believe it
Was even more unattractive
Than I was when you rejected me

I chatted with that person
We stopped for drinks at one of those
Airport bars

Then we got a hotel room
And we had sex

I did it on the provision
That it would not be a one-time thing
And we could stay in touch
And when schedules coalesced
We would do it again

They agreed
And were thrilled
That not only did I deem them worthy of sex once
But perhaps multiple times

What they didn't realize
Is that I knew who they were
Or rather, who they would be

That person was a winner
You see, I'm incredibly good
At choosing a winner

Ironically, I knew I was a winner
Back when you turned me down
But I couldn't tell you that
Obviously

Instead I just held out the hope
That one day we'd be sitting here

And I could help
Impart this lesson to you

Learn how to choose a winner

It's an incredibly valuable skill

That person I had sex with
Will always feel a debt of gratitude to me
And one day they'll be more famous than I am

And we'll still be having sex
Whereas you and I will not be having sex

But I appreciate the fact
That you want to

Believe me

I really appreciate it

You're a great person

Not the greatest judge of character
But who knows?

Maybe that'll change

But not tonight

Definitely not tonight