The Overheated Camel

Okay, I'm just going to say it

It's hot

It is, it's really hot

I'm on my third layer of hump sweat
And frankly, it's becoming unattractive

Does anybody know if we're going to pass an oasis in the next
Couple of hours or so
Because, if not
I suggest we wave a white flag
And head back to Cairo

Guys, can we be honest about something here?

Camels, on a good day, don't smell all that great
So with all this heat
I'm making myself lose consciousness

My own odor is becoming unbearable to me
That's how hot I am

Did anybody think to bring water?

No, I don't have water in my hump
That's a myth
Everybody knows that

There's fat in the hump
Extra fat
And by the way
Thanks for making me feel self-conscious now

No, really
I appreciate it
Do you want me to kneel down now
So you can kick me in the face?

Wait, wait, wait--

Is that a Target?
I think I see a Target
In the--

Nope, another mirage

I don't know why all my mirages
Look like Target

No, the Gap wasn't a mirage
That was real
I just didn't feel like going in

They never have my sizes
And it just gets kinda--

How about one of those little fans?
Does anybody have one of those?
Or a parasol I could stand under?
Maybe a portable canopy?
A fog machine?

Clearly, whoever was organizing this expedition
Failed to remember that we would be--

IN THE DESSERT
FOR WEEKS ON END!

Sorry, I get irritable when I'm overheated
Right now I'm so mad I could spit
But my body stopped producing saliva
About four days ago

I'll tell you what

Pitch one of those tents for me right here
And I'll wait for you guys to come back
And get me
With a jeep
Or a truck
Or one of those fancy flying sand hovercrafts
That they had in Star Wars

Just leave me whatever water you have left
And some of the good
And that Rubik's cube I was working on
When we passed those pyramids

You're probably only another day away
From hitting a city anyway
So it's not like you'll need that stuff

In the meantime
I'll hold down the fort here
So you don't have to drag a dehydrated camel
With you everywhere

See?

Now that sounds like a plan