That Famous Asshole

So he said to me--

'You know, my friend thinks you're an asshole'

Because clearly, this is information
That I simply can't live without

He went on to tell me
That, once upon a time
About seven or eight years ago

--He couldn't remember, I'm always very good at remembering what year things happened

Anyway, about that long ago
Apparently, I met his friend, a girl
On the street
And she stopped me
And wanted a photo or an autograph
Or something
And I said that I didn't have time
Because I was in a rush
And from that point on
For the next seven or eight years
His friend has held the opinion that I am an asshole

Apparently she refers to me as--That Famous Asshole

Now, let me ask you something:

Does it sound unreasonable to you
To say to some random stranger
Who stops you on the street
That you're in a rush
And you don't have time
To take a photo or sign your name
On a napkin they fished out of their purse?

Please, don't misunderstand me
I would never claim that I'm the nicest person in the world
If my friends or families called me 'That Famous Asshole'
I'd say--Well, yes, I am
But that privilege is extended only to those
Who have actually been the victim of my assholery

And I'm sorry, but a less-than-five-minute encounter
In which I am not overly pleasant to you
Does not earn you that privilege

I hate to sound like the whining celebrity
But honestly, how would you feel if some random person
Walked up to you on the street
And asked to take a photo with you?

Would any sane person think--Oh, that sounds fun!

And maybe I was in a rush
I often am
Not because I'm a celebrity
But because everybody is in a rush
Aren't you in a rush?
You're sitting here listening to me right now
And I bet you're thinking
I wish he'd hurry up
I have other stuff to do

Believe me, I understand
I don't think you're an asshole

I understand that I should be more gracious
Than other people
That my problems shouldn't seem as bad
Or that when I have something to do
Regardless of how pressing it is
I should put it on hold for a few minutes
To make somebody's day

But for all you know
Or I know
Or that guy knows
Or his friend knows

I could have just found out that a relative was ill
I could have gotten a call telling me my house had been broken into
I could have really had to pee

This was seven or eight years ago
Who knows what was going on then
That made me say I was in a rush
And I had to go, and--

--And I'm only saying this because I know me--

--I probably apologized before I just took off

Which is not something
An asshole would do
In my opinion

You know, my grandfather met Mary Martin once
For five seconds outside of a theater in New York

He asked for an autograph
And she walked right past him

He never forgot it

You would think she opened his mouth
And spit in it

That's how much he hated her
For walking by him that day

He hated her for decades
Two days before he died
'Peter Pan' came on the television
And he said--

'Turn off the t.v.  I don't want to watch that bitch.'

And this was from a two-second incident

I felt like saying--

'Dad, maybe she was tired.  Maybe she'd had a long day.  Maybe she was just in a bad mood.  Is she not allowed to be in a bad mood without you hating her for half a century?'

Apparently not

And apparently I'm not allowed that either

But just think about this

Think about what would happen
If every time you were in a bad mood
Somebody saw you or talked to you
In the midst of that mood
And judged you for it forever

Told their children about what a jerk you are
Made sure your legacy was tarnished
Just because you didn't have time
To chat with them for a second

I was in a rush
And now I'm an eternal asshole
An eternal famous asshole

Now, don't me wrong
I've been called worse

But this particular label bothers me
And I told him so

He wanted to argue with me about it
But I had to run

I got a call saying one of the pipes in my bathroom burst

Even when you're famous
The pipes burst
The pipes don't care that you're famous
They burst anyway

I did give him an autograph though

I figured it was the least
I could do