Today You Are a Man

Hurray, Hurray
Celebrate today
Today is a good day
Today you are a man

Today you change the tires
Today you change the oil
Today you change your socks
Today you change a twenty
Today you change directions
Today you are a man

You will attend a football game
You will ascend to higher heights
You will drink until you pass out
You will get into a fight
You will buy things you can't afford
You will memorize the names of wrestlers
You will slap a thousand asses
You will belch, and fuck, and procreate
Today you are a man

In a month you'll have a girlfriend
In a year, you'll have a wife
In fifteen months, you'll have a baby
Then another, then another
In four years, you'll have a house
That you never will pay off
But don't worry about that today
Today you are a man

Idolize your father
Adore your mother
Compete with your mother
Look down on your sister
Revere anyone older than your parents
Condescend to anyone younger than you
These things are important to do
Today you are a man

People will tell you
That roles are shifting
Jobs are transferring
Power is morphing
But they lie, they lie to you

Things are not different
People are not different
A dick is a dick
And everything that is not a dick
Is not worth of your attention
You have better things to do
Today you are a man

Today you install a furnace
Today you unclog the pipes
Today you screw a hooker
Today you make things right

Today is the day
You've been dreading
For your entire life

Hurray, Hurray
Today's the day
Today you are a man

God help you
Today you are a man