Then Dial Nine

Hi!  You've reached the Hampstead Hill Offices
In Hampstead Hill
The South Bradley Branch
Third Division

Thanks for calling!

Right now, we're all out of the office
For the holidays
But feel free to leave a message

For a company directory
Press 1

Or just keep listening
Because we're going to read you
A company directory anyway

If you need to reach Sales
Press 2

If you need to reach Marge in Sales
Press 2 and then 1
And then say 'Bobcat'
Because Marge is paranoid
That the government is after her

If you need to reach Accounting
Press 3
Then punch in how much you're worth
If you don't dial at least seven numbers
Accounting probably won't return your calls
So you might want to...embellish
A little bit

If you need to reach HR
You have to come down here
And bust down the door
At which point you'll find
That HR is just a stuffed dinosaur
Sitting on a stack of phonebooks
Watching an episode of 'Who's the Boss?'

If you need to reach Payroll
To find out when you'll be paid
Then dial 4
And you'll hear a recording
Telling you
That you're fired

If you need to reach Jerry in Marketing
Jerry's dead
Freak stapler accident
So there ya go
You don't need to reach Jerry

If you need to reach anybody else in Marketing
Well...Jerry was the only guy in Marketing
So...there ya go
No Marketing

If you have any other questions
Then dial nine
Wait for a beep
And state your question

It will be ejected into space
Dead space
A space where unanswered questions
Are jettisoned
And never answered

And some day
An explorer
A space explorer
Perhaps a half-man/half-monkey
Will find your question
And attempt to answer it

Maybe it'll be soon
But...I doubt it

In the meantime, have a happy holiday
And from all of us here at Hampstead Hills

Remember to--

Beep