Glenn Close Takes Over the BTC

--  I started this joke yesterday with Jeff and today I realized I have to follow through on it.  --

"Glenn Close Takes Over the BTC"

(A conference room.  GLENN at the head of the table, with ALEX, VAL, JEFF, and IKE.)

ALEX:  Glenn, we're so glad you agreed to come speak to us today.
GLENN:  Who said I'm speaking?  Am I speaking yet?  Do you hear me talking?
ALEX:  Uh...yes?

(She slaps ALEX across the face.)

GLENN:  That'll teach you to sass.
VAL:  My God, she's a genius.
GLENN:  So I've been invited into your little boy's club, huh?
VAL:  Glenn, I'm actually--
GLENN:  Yup.  A real gentleman's joint is what this is.
VAL:  I'm a girl.
GLENN:  Sweetie, I kill any woman that comes within five feet of me.
VAL:  Hi, I'm Michael McGuyman.  Nice to meet you, ma'am.
GLENN:  That's better.

(IKE raises his hand.)

GLENN:  Yes, I'll make love to you.  Now, put your hand down.
IKE:  Glenn, we just asked you here to get advice on how you think we should run our theater.
GLENN:  Well, you've made the right choice in making me your Artistic Director.
ALEX:  Uh, we didn't--

(GLENN slaps ALEX.)

GLENN:  Next time, it's a fiddlestick you'll be getting the wrong side of, Goosevalue.
ALEX:  It's actually Duckworth.
GLENN:  Does this man own a rabbit I could...hold?
JEFF:  Glenn, if you were Artistic Director, what shows would you have us do?
GLENN:  Finally, someone starts speaking a little business to me.  That's what Auntie Glenn likes.
VAL:  Guys, I think she has a bomb strapped to her back...

(GLENN rises like a tyrant.)

GLENN:  We'll open our season with 'Hedda' starring myself as Hedda.  Then we'll mount 'The Seagull' with myself as the lead and Michael McGuyman as my son.
VAL:  So far, I'm not hating this season.
GLENN:  Then we'll do 'Dangerous Liasons--'
IKE:  Can I play--
GLENN:  You're fired.
IKE:  But--
GLENN:  And finally--'Mars Attacks: The Musical."
ALEX:  I'm not sure we have the money to produce a musical, Glenn.

(GLENN takes out a gun and shoots ALEX in the knee.)

ALEX:  Ahhhhh!
GLENN:  Now, you've had a taste of how I roll.
IKE:  Glenn, you can't just fire me!
GLENN:  Fine.  I'll make love to you, and then I'll fire you.
IKE:  That's--not at all better.
GLENN:  Perhaps at some point during the season I could do my one-woman show 'Close Every Door.'
JEFF:  I heard that was very good.
ALEX:  Guys, I'm bleeding!
GLENN:  Quick poll!  Who is your favorite actress?
ALEX:  Well, I like--

(She shoots him in the other knee.)

ALEX:  Ahhh you asked a question!
GLENN:  I wish the chair would stop talking.  It's such a noisy chair.  I'll have to shoot its legs off later.
VAL:  I like Glenn Close.
GLENN:  Who else?
VAL:  Just Glenn Close.
GLENN:  This young man is a genius.
IKE:  I like Meryl Streep.

(The room goes silent.)

GLENN:  What did you say?
IKE:  I said I like Meryl--

(GLENN slams her hands down on the table.)

GLENN:  HOW DARE YOU!
JEFF:  Dude, she's about to go Albert Nobbs on your ass.
GLENN:  YOU SHALL NEVER SPEAK THAT NAME AT MY THEATER AGAIN!
IKE:  Okay, I'm sorry.  Geez, you're a testy Oscar winner.
ALEX:  Actually, she's never won a--

(GLENN kicks him in the face.)

GLENN:  We don't say the O-word either.  It makes Auntie Glenn cross.
IKE:  We can't say Oprah?
GLENN:  I'm going to eat you as soon as we're done mating.
VAL:  Glenn, can't we do Neil LaBute?
GLENN:  Michael, I AM Neil LaBute.
JEFF:  What?
GLENN:  I've been writing under that name for years.
JEFF:  People have seen Neil LaBute.  You're not Neil LaBute.
GLENN:  I have an excellent make-up and wig midget that transforms me into all sorts of theatrical personas.  Neil LaBute, Twyla Tharp, James Earl Jones--
ALEX:  Call the police!  She's insane!
GLENN:  Oh, I'm insane all right.  Insane as a postman on the third of August.
JEFF:  Should that make sense?
IKE:  What was it like writing 'reasons to be pretty?'
VAL:  Can we do 'Death of a Salesman' with you as Willy and me as Happy?
ALEX:  Guys, I'm losing consciousness...

(GLENN extends her arms.)

GLENN:  Come, children.  I believe this is the time for a group hug.
JEFF:  I think she's going to set off that bomb.
VAL:  Shut up, Church.  There's a new blonde in town, and I happen to like her.
IKE:  Is she really going to eat me?
GLENN:  God, I love the theater.

(ALEX weeps silently.)