If I Could Go to Your Wedding

If I could go to your wedding
I'd have them play that Frank Sinatra song
That you and I used to dance to
When we'd go to the Father/Daughter dances
At your school

Who knows why they played such an old song
At a Father/Daughter dance

Oh wait, I know
Because I paid them to
That's why

Every father should get to dance
To Frank Sinatra
With his daughter

'Some day when I'm awfully low...'

If I could go to your wedding
I'd help that schmuck you're marrying
Tie his tie
And tell him if he hurts you
I'll introduce his kidneys to his nostrils

But really, I think he's an okay guy

Doesn't mean I don't want him scared of me

Nowadays son-in-laws and father-in-laws hug
And golf together
And there's no distinguishing them
From father and son

When I married your mother
Your grandfather said to me

'You're going to fear me until I'm dead
And that's just how I want it.'

Lucky for me, he died a year later
Of a heart attack

I saw him last week
Talking to Dean Martin

He said--You still afraid of me?

I said--Mr. Rigazzo, you're dead, I'm dead
What's to be afraid of?

He gave me a look
And I realized
Even when you're dead
You fear your father-in-law
That's how it's supposed to be

If I could go to your wedding
I'd tell your mother to stop crying so much
Because she's embarrassing herself
But then I'd take her hand
And kiss the spot where her wedding ring is

She's still wearing it, huh?

Do me a favor
Tell her to stop wearing black
We get it, she's a widow
But she's not doing me any favors
By dressing like a member of the Addams Family

Tell her to throw on some blue
When your mother puts on a blue dress
No woman on this planet
Can compare

If I could go to your wedding
I'd walk you down the aisle
Instead of my brother, the clutz
Who may or may not trip
Before he reaches the altar

I'm just kidding, kiddo
It's good of him to take my place

Good that you still have a father figure in your life
Even if he does have two left feet
And still owes me thirty dollars
From a bet we made two weeks before I died

Maybe he'll put it in your card

If I could go to your wedding
I'd make a toast
And I'd say--

'To my little girl, on the happiest day of her life.  I know I wasn't always the best father, but half of parenting is raising your kids and the other half is spent waiting for them to forgive you for the terrible job you did.  Thank you for allowing me the privilege of doing the first half, and for allowing the second half to come so soon when other kids might have made me wait a few more years.  I love you, sweetheart.'

Oh, but you're lovely...

I understand the schmuck's dad
Offered to do the Father/Daughter dance with you

That's nice

He's a good man
Even if he did raise a schmuck
That I don't entirely dislike

Nobody's perfect

When you dance with him
I'm going to do something
We're not supposed to do
But ay, what the hell

I'm going to take over for him
He won't even notice

When you're alive, you call it zoning out
But what it really is
Is somebody who's not here anymore
Wanting to feel what it's like
Inside a living body again

Truth be told, we don't miss it that much
Once we remember what it feels like
All the aches and pains

But I'll suffer them for a few minutes
So I can have that dance with you

And when you ask the band leader
Who paid him twenty bucks
To play Frank Sinatra
He'll say it was some old guy
Who told him to tuck in his shirt
So he wouldn't look like such a putz

And you'll smile
And you'll nod
And under your breath you'll say--

'Thank you, Daddy'

And I'll say--

'You're welcome, sweetheart.

You're welcome.'