You know what sucks?
Christmas
Christmas is stupid
They should make people say--'Happy Stupid Day'
And shit
And stuff
Arbor Day is stupid too
Like 'Ohhhh trees are so cool'
Trees are stupid
Like what do they do?
They're just trees
Have you ever made out under a tree?
I did once
With Josh Hartnett
Ew, what do you mean who's that?
He was, like, totally famous once
And I made out with him
When he was famous
It was, like, a major score on my part
His lips tasted like fame
And blueberries too, because we'd just eaten blueberries
I can totally sense how jealous you are and it's warming me like a Christmas fire
Speaking of which, why is there no fireplace here?
I don't care if it's an apartment
Apartments can have fireplaces
And jacuzzis--there should be a jacuzzi
This is the worst Christmas ever
I hope somebody bought me a gun so I can shoot myself
You know who Santa looks like?
My Uncle Bill
He's like, dead, or something, maybe
I think he got eaten by squirrels
Like, in the war
The squirrel war
I think
I don't know
Squirrels are terrifying
They always look at me like they're better than me
And I'm like, ew, I worked at Aeropostale
Get over yourself, squirrel
They probably let squirrels work at Express and that's why they're so koodie
Koodie's this new word that means cool
But you use it when you're talking about people who think they're cool but aren't
Like--Neil Patrick Harris is koodie and Justin Timberlake is koodie
And everyone at this party except me but including you is koodie
It's kinda like saying somebody has 'cooties' except not really and it's totally different
They said it on tv--like once, like I heard it, and like, now it's a thing cool people are doing
Real cool people not koodie people
Do you like my Santa hat?
It's from Burberry
You have to buy a Santa hat from Burberry this season or you're basically a hobo who smells
I'm not saying you're a hobo, but you don't have a Santa hat from Burberry on so...
This is awkward now
See what's going on?
Your poverty is creating an awkward situation at a Christmas party
I mean, it's like, the lamest Christmas party since, like, Christmas was invented by the Mormons, but still...
Mormons totally invented Christmas
And Thanksgiving
And Paula Abdul
These are, like, known facts
Huh?
You got me something?
Seriously?
Oh my God, you totally want to bone me
Oh my God, that's so creepy
Oh my God, I totally would never bone because we're friends and also because you're ugly
Oh my God, you're wearing sneakers and you just basically declared your love for me
Oh my God, why does everyone love me so much it's understandable and yet so difficult for me
Huh?
Well, why not?
Didn't you hear the Josh Hartnett story?
I'm, like, sort of famous
Um, this is Rhode Island. I made out with a has-been. That means I'm famous.
Okay, fine, I'll open it, but I'm still confused about the whole not-loving-me thing.
. . . . .
Um, that's like...really sweet
Like, that's a really nice gift
I, um, I'm sorry for...yeah, I don't even know where to...yeah...
Like, I didn't get you anything so--
Um, do you want my Santa hat from Burberry?
No, take it, it's like, kind of over anyway, so, you should totally wear it because, like, you don't care
Like, you don't care about what anybody thinks of you ever, and that's like, cool
I mean, like, I wish I could--
I don't know
Never mind
Yeah, the hat looks good on you, you know, because it's lame and so are you
So yeah
Oh, and if you ever tell anybody I did something mildly generous
I'll deny it and tell them you slept with that guy in the corner who's smelling the couch
Oh my God, I, like, hate him slash love him slash want to do an oil painting of him
This party totally sucks aside from Smelling the Couch Guy
And, like, you--kinda
You kinda don't suck
...All the time
I love you slash...
Um
Yeah
I love you
...And stuff
Merry Christmas
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