When You Screw the Lead Singer

When you screw the lead singer
You are now that girl

A group of us will be standing outside the hotel
To greet you with whore stones
That will be thrown at you
Because you are now a whore
And we will chant--'You're-That-Girl.  You're-That-Girl.'
Over and over again
And we will not be talking about Marlo Thomas
We will be talking about you

When you screw the lead singer
You have clearly missed out
On the intricacies of musicians
And their love-making abilities

You will screw the lead singer
And you will find out
That though he is a showman
It's really all about him
Mirrors will be involved

You will constantly be watching
Him watching himself screwing you
While you watch him watching himself
And so what you're having is not really sex
But more like a naked paradox
And, just we're clear on this
It will not be pretty
None of it will be pretty
Regardless of how pretty he is
Or how pretty you are

It.Will.Be.Gross

When you screw the lead singer
You will tell other girls that you've screwed the lead singer
You will practice saying it
To achieve that perfect balance
Between being proud of something you shouldn't be proud of
And not bragging about the thing you shouldn't even be proud of
Let alone brag about
And you will fail
And announce your conquest loudly
In between sips of pussy beer

Not beer made of or by pussies
But beers that pussies drink
And even though you are a girl
Even for a girl
That beer
Is pussy beer

And once you have declared
That you have screwed the lead singer
You will hear other girls declare the same thing
And soon you will realize
That everyone has screwed the lead singer

The lead singer is even more of a slut than you are
If that's even possible

The idea of that sends both your and our minds
Into a tailspin
But nonetheless, it is true

When you screw the lead singer
You will be judged
And judged harshly
By other women who have either screwed the lead singer
Or the few women who haven't but want to

And it will not be fair
Because he, the lead singer
Will not be judged

He is untouchable
He is invincible
He is the lead singer

So for bad sex and bragging rights
That end up being nothing more than sagging pride
You have become a certain kind of person
That is, no kind of person at all

You are a number in his mind
And probably not the correct number either

You are a cliche, a stereotype
A sidenote in a rock biography

You are the joke at the concierge desk
Or a story on the bus
That takes less time to tell
Than it took for him to finish

(Again, if that's even possible)

When you screw the lead singer
It is, understandably, a rite of passage
For someone like you

A fan, a groupie
A dedicated listener
And observer

But when you get too close to anything
You find that shine is simply the glow you feel
Bouncing back at you
From one of the many, many mirrors
Around the bed

When you screw the lead singer
You may have a moment or two
When you feel, well, cool

But ultimately, sweetie
You're the one
Getting screwed