The Villain's Holiday Special

Hello and Welcome to the Villain's Holiday Special!

As you know, Christmas is my favorite holiday
Right after Kill a Secret Agent Day
Which isn't as special
Because it occurs every March, April, May, July, and October

Plus, you don't put up a tree in your living room for that one
Just a vat of boiling oil
And a picture of Phil Donahue

You know, for decoration

You know who else loves this time of year?

My cameraman and pet koala
Mr. John Tesh!

Johnny, keep the camera steady
Daddy doesn't want the audience to get dizzy
If he wanted that
He'd put them in the Spin/Angry Pitbull/Dirty Nails Chamber

The economy's in bad shape folks
I've had to consolidate my torture chambers

But let's not talk about sad stuff
During the holidays!

For this Christmas
I've decided to do something a little special
And not threaten to blow up
Any of the continents

I do still plan to assassinate the President of Antarctica
But first they have to elect one
So it might be awhile

I have some lucky people in my home tonight
A studio audience, one might say
Some of whom are even here voluntarily

John Tesh, get a shot of the audience

Just avoid the signs begging for help
Or ransom money
Or the ones that have pictures of me doing awful things to Santa Clause

That's the last time I let my hostages
Do arts and crafts

All of these lucky people
Are in for a little surprise
Because they're going home with...

MY FAVORITE THIIIIIINNNGGGSSSSS!

That's right

I'm giving everybody here
All my favorite gifts
For this holiday season

Including the hot new item
That's been flying off the shelves
In the Evil Doer Section of Target

That's right, it's--RABID MONKEY IN A CAGE!

Kids love him
Parents tolerate him
And you only have to feed him
One live chicken a day

I put one under each of your chairs
So whatever you do
Don't reach under there
Or you'll be spending this Christmas
Without one of your hands

I'm also giving all of you
The new Death Ray Gun Version 8.756!

The people at Death Ray
Have assured me
That they've finally worked out the kinks
And not only will this gun definitely kill your enemies
BUT it can also check Facebook, find a great sushi restaurant
AND film holiday greetings you can send to your relatives

Like this one I made for my cousin--

Let's see, uh--

John Tesh, you said I just have to press the blue button right, and then--

OH!  OH NO!  NO!

Was that a studio audience member or a--

Oh, thank goodness
Just a hostage

Well, I guess that's one less person
The robot hogs are going to be eating tonight

John Tesh, what button shows the video?

Ohhh!  The button that says 'Show Video'
I wish they'd make these things more user friendly

Here we go--

Hey there, Mr. The Villain.  You plan on untying me anytime soon?  I have a bomb that's about to go off.  Maybe you can throw yourself on top of me before--

GAH!  Uh--that was--

That was another video
That I...um...that...

It came with the gun

I'm gonna--

I'm gonna write them a letter
You know, about that

Anyway--

The last gift you're leaving here today with
Or, in the case of my captives
The last gift you'll be taking to the grave with you
Is the hottest selling item
I've EVER given away

A brand new...

COPY OF MY NEW CHRISTMAS ALBUM!

'A Very Villain Christmas' features some of my favorite holiday songs, sung by me, accompanied by John Tesh on the piano--

The actual John Tesh, not my koala bear slash cameraman

Although John Tesh the Bear does play saxophone on 'Jingle Bell Rock'
And in the background you can hear Kenny G
Crying and nursing the stump
Where his leg used to be

It also features a host of Evil Doing Superstar Musicians
Like--

Train
Nickelback
That Guy Who Replaced Steve Perry in Journey
Vanessa Carlton
Creed
Colbie Caillat
That Guy Who Replaced That Guy Who Replaced Steve Perry in Journey

And of course--Johnny Mathis

I had to tell him I was Dionne Warwick to get him to do it
But it was so worth it!

Admittedly, he was a little handsy for my taste
But the man's a legend, after all

I hope you all enjoy your gifts
And remember

The holidays is a time for giving

So give me money
Or I'll blow up Greenland
The day after Christmas

Wait, is Greenland the one that's actually ice?
Because in that case, I'm blowing up Iceland

One of the two

Now, if you'll excuse me
I'm going to swivel in my new red and green
Holiday swivel chair
While I listen to Track #5 from my holiday album

It's John Mayer and I doing 'Baby, It's Cold Outside'

And, may I just say
Christmas never sounded
So erotic

Ta ta, everyone!

JOHN TESH, STOP EATING THE CAMERA!

Ta ta!