Here Take Some Drugs

Here, this is Paxilicidocious
It calms you down
And makes your hair
Smell like mayonnaise
That's just a side effect
But I guess if you like mayonnaise
Then it's an added bonus

You're too calm?
Well then take it with coffe
That should do the trick

You know, a lot of therapists like to, you know
Talk to their patients
And try to teach them
To effectively communicate

But you know, that can take a really long time
I mean, I know some people
Who have been in therapy, for like, years

I'm not kidding

Now, I don't know about you
But I don't want to have to listen to your problems
For the next decade

Oh sure, it'll keep me in business
But after awhile your depression will probably rub off on me
And I'll end up having to see my own therapist
Which means you're pretty much paying
To tell me your problems
So I can go tell someone else
How your problems are giving me problems
And it becomes this vicious circle
Where everybody's miserable
Except you
Which might be fine for you
Because you'll be happy
But probably not
Because, as we discussed in our last session
You have trouble accepting happiness

So instead of dealing with all that
I'd really rather just give you drugs

Hey, are you having trouble maintaining an erection?

I realize you're a woman
But the pharmaceutical company
Gave me a ton of this stuff
And I can't seem to unload any of it

Plus, men on this medication develop man boobs
And I think we both know you could use those

Oh hey, this one's pink
Pink pills!
Isn't that fun?

Pop a few of those in your mouth
And see what happens
There's a good chance they're placebos
So if you don't feel anything
Don't freak out

There's also a good chance they cause hallucinations
So if you see Martha Stewart riding a unicorn
Don't freak out about that either

This is Treptaphonocin
Which either cures strep throat
Or treats gonorrhea

BUT if you put it in a bowl of Frosted Flakes
It makes them taste like creamed corn
I'm not kidding

I was thinking about writing a paper on it
I could do most of the work
During my sessions with you

I mean, it's not like you actually need me to listen to you
You just need me to act like I'm listening to you

You know--Mmmm, yes, mmhmmm, I see, mmmmmmmmmm

See?

You probably feel better already