Olive Off Her Feet

Anne, my house is in shambles
Total shambles
Everywhere I look--shambles

That's what I get for letting the doctor tell me
I could have the foot surgery at the beginning of the week
Now I gotta trust Don and the kids
To handle themselves until Friday
When I can walk on this thing again

Oh, I don't know
It was a corn a bunion a bullion cube
Who the hell knows with these doctors, Anne?

All I know is if I walk on it
I lose a toe

Well, the doctor didn't say that in so many words
But I did some wiki-dickying and I found out
That with this kind of surgery
If you're not careful
Your toes start falling off
Like what happened to my Aunt Josene
Who lived in that swamp marsh lake pond
Somewhere in Florida

You know what else I found out on the wiki-dicky?
Leif Garrett was an alien

Did you know that, Anne?
I did not know that
And let me tell you something
I felt betrayed

My whole childhood I spent listening to a Communist

No, not a spaceman alien, Anne
An illegal alien!

Well, we both should have figured it out
It's not like Leif is an American name
He's probably a Viking or something

He probably sailed right past our border guards

Those Vikings are a dirty people, Anne
All you gotta do is read Hagar the Horrible
And it'll tell you that

Well, you should read the newspaper
Otherwise you're not a citizen
You're just a godless Communist like Leif Garrett

And that guy across the street from me
Who has his flag hanging upside down

I don't care if he is blind, Anne
All you gotta do is feel where the stars are
And you should be able to go from there

You know who might be blind?
My husband, that's who

I said to him, 'Don, don't you think the walls could use a cleaning?'
And he goes to me, 'Yeah, but I bet it can wait until next week when you're on your feet again.'

I wanted to hurl something at him
But the closest thing to me was Don Jr.'s hamster
And I already vacuumed up the last one
So we gotta be real careful with this one

Don Jr. can't tell either of his twin sisters apart
But when I try replacing his vacuumed-up hamster
With one that looks just like it
He knows right away that's not the one

I told him, 'Don Jr, Santa took your hamster.'
'Why,' he says, 'Why did Santa want my hamster?'
And I said, 'Because you were bad yesterday at school and when you're bad Santa comes and takes things from you.  Same as when he gives you stuff if you're good.  Same principle.'

I didn't know that he'd been bad at school
But with Don Jr., it's always a safe bet

Anyway, the walls are disgusting
And I'm screaming at Don Jr. to clean them
Or to have the twins clean them
They're two now
It's time they started understanding basic housekeeping
Like scrubbing walls
And tile grouting

But Don says--'They're just walls.  Why do you have to clean 'em?'

I said, 'Don, any Tom, Rick, or Mary can have clean carpets.  What's cleaning a carpet?  You vacuum it.  It's not that complicated.  Maybe you suck up a hamster, but at least it's clean.  But a real homemaker has good walls.  That's how you know you're in the house of a woman who loves her family.'

Then I locked the kids in their room
And made him put on rubber gloves
And wash the walls for six hours
Until I could see the original coat of paint
That came with the house

Oh God, Anne, I can't stay like this much longer

My kids are running around as filthy as Vikings
My husband tried serving me baked tuna for dinner
Right out of the can
And now Don Jr.'s saying the hamster gave birth
And where do babies come from
And is it true the mother's going to eat all the babies?

And I said--

'Yeah, she's probably going to eat all her babies
And that'll be that.
Lucky her.'

I'm just going to pull a blanket up over my head, Anne
I'm going to cover my eyes
And listen to 'Wheel of Fortune'
And pretend it's all a dream

I've got a strong inner spirit, Anne
I'm good at blocking out the world

The drugs don't hurt either
I'll tell you that much

Yeah, sure, you can come over
I could use a friend right now

And while you're at it
Bring a sponge