Imported Gays

So what I did for New Year's Eve
Because, I always have an awful time on New Year's Eve
Because, I go out and I'm gay
And, like, all the other gays are like--

Ohhhh, you're lame
You read
I don't want to kiss you

So then, I go into the New Year
On, like, a real sucky note
And the whole year ends up blowing

So what I did for THIS New Year's Eve
And, I mean, I don't want to toss around the word 'genius'
But I think it's pretty genius
And I can't believe nobody thought of it before
But whatever, I'm a visionary, I guess
Is--

I imported gays

Like, from cool places
Like, Reno
And stuff

Okay, think about it
I'm from a small town
Everybody knows everybody
So when new people come to town, it's like--

Oh my God, new people
New gays!
Swarm!  Swarm!

So I was like--Well, if I'm the guy the new gays are hanging out with
Then all that swarming is going to be happening
All up on this right here
This meaning my body
You know what I mean?

So I went on Facebook
And I found these...guys

Who were...willing
To come to...here
And hang out with me
For, like, a small...sum

Fee, whatever

Now, some may call it
Them, these...guys
You know, hookers
Prostitutes, escorts
Gigolos, whatever

But you know what I call them?

Friends

I mean, like
Friends you pay
To hang out with you
And make others jealous
That you have such awesome exotic friends
From Indianapolis and Denver
Who probably know, like, amazing sex tricks
That they learned from not living in this lameass state

But still
Friends

I think my imported gays
Are going to make this New Year's Eve
Like, the best one ever

Heck, I may even do this again
On Valentine's Day