Anne, Watch Megan

Anne watches Megan
That's how it works
That's the deal
That's the two girls
In a nutshell

Anne watches Megan

When Megan showed up
August was nearly over
And Anne couldn't see the point
In her coming for a vacation
So close to school starting

When September came
And Megan was still there
Anne asked her mother
When her cousin would be leaving

'Well honey,' said Marg, 'She's not.'

That was when Anne heard the story
Well, most of the story
As much as Marg felt her daughter could hear
Without being an irresponsible parent
Or taking the chance
That Anne would repeat the story
In school to her friends
To show off

Anne liked to do that
It made her feel like an adult
To know adult things
And reveal them in an adult manner
While playing hopscotch
During recess

Megan had been having a 'hard time'
That was what Marg called it
Because that's what her brother, Don, called it

'A hard time, Marg. Kat's at the end of her rope.'

Megan was 'a handful'
She was 'excitable'
She might be 'slow'
And so she'd come for 'a stay'
Based on the fact
That Marg had much more patience
Than her brother's wife

'Aunt Katherine has had a hard time with Megan,' Marg said.
'Because she's a fruit loop,' asked Anne, remembering something she overheard
Her mother saying to her father
The last time Uncle Donald and Aunt Katherine came to visit

'Yes, honey,' said Marg, not correcting her daughter
But giving her the look that said--

'I'll allow it, but don't push it.'

Maybe it was her mother's story
The insinuation that Megan needed caring for
That inspired Anne's desire
For maturity

On the first day of school
Anne acted as if Megan
Was her personal charge
Rather than just an unfamiliar relative

'Megan, sit next to me.'
'Megan, calm down.'
'Megan, get your math book out.'
'Megan, stop...please.'

After a week, the teacher sent a note home

'I'm so proud of Anne, and the effort she's put into making her cousin feel welcome.'

Marg was unsettled, but not totally surprised
Anne had always wanted a younger sibling
And Marg had always suspected that the girl
Had over-developed maternal instincts for her age

All her dolls were always clothed
Her room was always spotless
And when she had tea parties
She always went around asking her stuffed animals
If they'd had enough to eat
Because they all looked 'so skinny'

If Marg was honest with herself
She would have admitted
That Anne was, in fact, more maternal
Than even herself

But Marg was not all that honest
So instead of worrying about Anne
And where she got these instincts from
She simply bought her daughter a new dress
For being so good to Megan

As the year progressed
Anne became even more assertive
And her caretaking of Megan
Became so routine
Even her classmates
Who initially made fun of her for it
Grew to simply see it as normal

Unfortunately, even with Anne's help
Megan seemed to flounder
At everything she attempted

Her grades were terrible
And the only reason she passed
If you really want to know
Is because her teacher feared what would happen
If she separated Megan from her cousin

She also had a sneaking suspicion
That any work Megan had done
That was of any quality
Was probably done by Anne

By the time summer came around again
Anne had stopped referring to Megan
As 'my cousin who's staying with us'
And had started calling her--

'My Meg.'

When Don and Kat came to visit their daughter
Having only seen her at Christmas
When they sent for her
And her birthday in April
When they stopped by the house
On their way to Florida
Anne was beside herself
At the thought that they would take Megan home with them

'It's not fair,' she told Marg in the kitchen
Sitting on the counter and licking chocolate
From the mixing bowl Marg had been using
To make coconut brownies

'They waltz out of her life and then waltz back in,' said Anne
She had recently discovered this use
For the word 'waltz'
And loved it

'I agree with you, honey,' said Marg
Not seeing why she should pretend
What her daughter was saying wasn't true
And happy that her little girl
Was smart enough to recognize
What louses she had for an aunt and uncle

That was when they heard the scream
From outside

Anne hopped off the counter
And went after Marg
Who was already halfway to the screen door
Having never heard Megan scream like that before
And hoping nothing had happened to her
Before her parents could get there
Leaving her injured
And Don and Kat thinking
That Marg couldn't care for a child

What she and Anne found outside
Was Megan on the porch
Kicking at Donald
Who must have arrived early
And Kat sitting on the steps
Crying into her hands

Don had cuts all over his arms
Where Megan had apparently scratched him
And the girl was in quite a state
And screaming--

'ANNE! ANNE! ANNE!'

Marg shoved her brother aside
And subsequently shoved Anne
Right into Megan's outstretched arms
Too terrified to go near the girl herself

Marg saw that her brother was bleeding
And that her sister-in-law, as usual
Was completely useless
And she ushered them both into the house
Turning to Anne and her niece
And issuing the final nail in the coffin

'Anne, watch Megan'

. . . . .

Whenever they get lunch in the city
Anne always picks the restaurants
She makes sure to take into consideration
Megan's dietary restrictions
As well as the proximity to Megan's apartment
So that she doesn't have to walk too far

She makes sure they never eat at night
Because Anne doesn't like the idea
Of Megan out and about walking at night
There was a time when she almost saw Megan get mugged
But she chased off the young man
Who was walking behind her
And received a talking-to from her cousin

Never a thank you
Never, never, never

Megan showed up looking awful
But what could you expect
The poor girl needed to get married
There was no other way around it
And yet any man that wanted her
Would be immediately suspect to Anne
So what was the solution?

There wasn't one
There simply wasn't one

'I ordered for you.'
'I wish you wouldn't do that.'
'I wish you'd show up on time; then I wouldn't have to, honey.'
'I'm so sorry, Marg. Next time I'll get here an hour early like you do.'

Anne did not appreciate her
Bringing up Mother that way
Marg had been gone for two years
And it still gave her pangs
To think about

Anne had had to drag Megan
To Marg's bedside
When they knew the end was near
And then all she'd been able to do
Was blather on about something some poet said
About death and dying and fighting it

If not for the somberness of the occasion
It would have been unbearably awkward
And Anne had hustled Megan out of the room
After just a few short moments

An hour later, Marg was gone
And Anne couldn't help but wonder
If Megan had put her over the top

'You like fish, don't you?'
'I can't eat fish.'
'Of course you can.'
'I don't like it.'
'That's not the same thing as not being able to eat it.'
'Can't I get something else?'
'You can when you start being on time.'
'I wish you'd stop treating me like a child, Anne.'
'I don't treat you like a--stop biting your nails.'
'You see?'
'That was just me being funny, except I do think you should quit biting on them. It's--'
'I'm pregnant.'

Anne didn't find it funny
When she realized Megan wasn't joking
She found herself speechless

'You're what?'
'Pregnant. With child. I'm--'
'How?'
'You mean you don't know?'
'DON'T BE CUTE!'
'Don't raise your voice in public, Anne.'
'Who is he?'
'You've never met him.'
'You're damn right I haven't! Does he know?'
'He doesn't need to know. He's not the one having it.'
'So you ARE going to have it?'
'Anne, are you suggesting--?'
'I don't know what I'm suggesting, but I know you can't have a child! IMAGINE!'
'I have imagined it, and I don't see why I can't.'
'But what will you do with it?'
'I'll sell it to carnies, Anne!'

She stood up
Anne tried to backtrack
But it was like trying to get a grip
On marble

'Megan, please--'

It was no use

'Well,' said Megan, 'At least I know that if I really screw it up, I can always just hand it off to you to raise. You've always been so good at cleaning up other people's messes!'

And that was the end of lunch

. . . . .

Anne knew she couldn't have children
She didn't go to a doctor to know it
She just knew it
The way you know
You don't like tomatoes

She knew it about herself
And it was fine
It really was
It just was what it was

And besides, she had Megan
Megan was such a handful
Who could have time
For anything else?

. . . . .

She remembered that day on the porch
With Uncle Don inside getting bandaged up
And Aunt Kat still crying so loud
Anne's father had to finally slap her
Just to get her to calm down

'Leave it to my brother,' said Marg, 'Another man slaps his wife and he's grateful to him.'

Anne just sat there
Doing as she was told
Watching Megan

Every few seconds
Megan would try and break away
But Anne would hold her
And whisper that it was okay
That she was going to be okay

Anne wanted her mother
To come out of the house
She wanted Marg to come out
And see her holding Megan

Not because she wanted a compliment
Not because she wanted to see her mother be proud of her
Not because she wanted a new dress
But because she wanted to show her
More than anything
She wanted to show her mother

Here, she wanted to say, this is what I want
This is what I want from you

I want you to hold me
Even when I'm trying
To get you to stop
And I want you to say it's okay
When it clearly isn't
And I want you to watch me
Just sit and watch me
Until I'm all right

For her entire life
Right up until she was sitting in a restaurant
Staring at her napkin
Wondering what she'd just done
Anne had been watching herself

And because she'd always done such a good job at it
She supposed that she might as well watch someone else as well
And perhaps that was how Megan happened
Perhaps that was what this was all about

Except now, she had stopped being
The mother she wanted
And had become
The mother she'd received

. . . . .

She bought a bottle of wine
And the stuff you need
To make coconut brownies
Including a mixing bowl
Because she knew Megan wouldn't have one
And she walked to Megan's apartment

When Megan answered the door
She held up the bottle

For a second, Anne actually saw that flash
That quick smile Megan has
That appears and disappears
And leaves no traces

It must have looked funny
Anne the Prude
With a bottle of wine

'Anne, you must know I can't drink.'

Anne, without missing a beat
Answered back--

'Honey, this ain't for you.'

She held up the grocery bag

'The brownies are going to be for you. The wine is for me.'

Megan laughed and moved out of her way
As she steamrolled into Megan's tiny kitchen
Deciding there were still some things
That Anne would have to have domain over

'So,' Megan said, 'You going to let me help?'

Anne started removing items
From the brown paper bags
That seemed to tear much easier now
Than when she was younger

'Why don't you just watch,' she said, 'The best way to learn is to watch.'