Everything He Gave Me to Love

-- I always think that before any one of these monologues, there's a question. The question before this one would be--"How do you know if you really loved him?" --

"Everything He Gave Me to Love"

I know I loved him
Because I watched him deteriorate
And I loved the things on him
That were eroding
As they were disappearing
In front of my eyes

As he was becoming less and less human
I loved him deeper and harder
And I didn't have to force it

That's how I know

I loved everything he gave me to love
I loved every scrap, every trace
Every bit and piece he threw me
I took and I loved
With everything I had

And it wasn't hard
And I didn't have to force it
And yet I know there was more
There was more that I didn't get

So you want to know
If I could have loved those things
Those things he didn't give me?

You want to know
If I could have loved
The things he was hiding?

The words he didn't say?
The secrets and the deceptions
And the bullshit
And the fraud?

You want to know
If I could have known about that
And still loved him?

Don't ask me that

Not because I care
That you have no right to ask it
But because there's no point
Because there's no answer

Don't bother asking someone a question
There's no answer to

Because the truth is

I loved the mood swings
I loved the tantrums
I loved the violent outbursts
I loved the stone silence
I loved the irresponsibility
I loved the nonsense

I loved the tests he gave me to see if I could stand them
I loved the affairs he had because they made him come home happy
I loved the particles of the food that he spilled on his ties

And when the sickness came
I loved that too
I tried to love the sick
Right out of him

I loved everything
Every last inch of him
I loved

I loved everything he gave me
And I had love left over if he'd given me more
But he didn't

And even with all that success
At loving this unloveable man
I can't tell you
If I could have loved
The things he didn't give me

I don't know
I really don't know

Maybe he didn't either
Maybe that's why everything he gave me
Was all I ever got