My Big 80's Life

I woke up next to Anthony Michael Hall
Thinking, oh great
Him again

It's way more fun when I wake up next to Rob Lowe
Or like, Billy Idol
Don't judge
Billy was hot

I get up and go downstairs
Where my annoying little brother
Or sister
Is waiting for me

'My token work-a-holic parents
Are eating breakfast
And make some quip
About going to school
And finally passing 'that test'

I've locked Ally Sheedy in the closet
And I throw her a pancake
So that she doesn't starve
But she keeps making that squee noise
And trying to eat her own dandruff
And it's super unsettling

I drive my Gremlin to school
Where Emilio E asks why I wasn't at football practice
Don't I know that we 'The Big Game' coming up?

I tell him that if he wants to keep getting blowjobs
Without Demi Moore finding out
Then he'll shut up about the fucking game

He acquiesces

I head to class but then decide to ditch
Because I want to have wild adventures
In the middle of token city that I live in
Where crazy things happen on a Monday afternoon

On the way out of the school
I kidnap the Asian kid from Sixteen Candles
And John Cusack at gunpoint
Cause, you know, I need buddies

I would take Alan Ruck
But he aged poorly
So there goes that

My two amigos and I listen to Men at Work
As we plow through the city in Gizmo
(Which is what I call my Gremlin)
And when we run over Molly Ringwald
I tell them to keep going and not look back

The bitch never returns my phone calls anyway

It's then that I realized
I look fucking stupid in shoulder pads
So I make Long Duck Whatever wear them
While he drives
So John and I can make out in the back

I'm a whore sometimes
And I know this
Because my hair is really feathered

Andrew McCarthy keeps calling me
But I won't answer
Because he fucks mannequins
Which is fucking creepy

Plus my car phone is huge
And it hurts my arm
To have to lift it

I know it's Andrew McCarthy calling
Because he's so rich he can miss school
And nobody cares

Molly was probably missing school
Because she's a streetwalker now
Who wants an Oscar real bad

Me and the boys go buy tuxes
Because tonight is the prom
Because every fucking night is the prom
And when we show up there
John says hi to his sister
With the braces
Who I think has syphilis

I dance a lot and get trashed
But not before I fuck Judd Nelson in the bathroom
While the hot chick from Weird Science tapes it

I feel bad for Weird Science
It's super under appreciated

I decide to blow off the rest of the dance
Because Jon Cryer is all over me
And it's wicked fucking annoying

Like, I love Duckie
But I'm not taking Big Red's sloppy seconds
You know what I mean?

Eric Stoltz apparently thinks he has a chance with me
Which is like, so fucking insane
'Go fuck that lesbo from Fried Green Tomatoes'
Is what I wanna say to him
But I don't, cause who cares

As I leave, I heard OMD in the background
Telling me if I leave
They won't cry

Good, don't cry
I'd like to fuck them with a chainsaw
But a real one

I get into the Gremlin and head home
I have to feed Ally Sheedy before ten
Or she gets cranky

I climb through my own window
Which makes no fucking sense
But whatever, you know?

Who's going to judge me?
Maybe John Hughes
But that's it