Firing Josina

I'm not saying you were wrong, Allan
I'm just saying it would have been nice
It would have been nice
To be at least
Consulted

That's all I'm saying

After all, I HIRED Josina
Don't you think, then
That I should have been in charge
Of firing her?

If she was, in fact, stealing
Which I don't believe she was

What on earth would she do
With gold-plated ice tongs?
The woman is from Mexico
They don't even have ice in Mexico
Don't you read Lorca?

Jesus, Allan

No, I will not watch it
Do not tell me to watch it
As if I'm a child
I'm not a child
I'm twenty-four years old
I don't care if you're old enough
To have sired me
That doesn't make you my father
Unless you ask my therapist
Who, by the way, I haven't seen in weeks

Because, Allan, she wasn't helping
She was listening
But not helping
What good is that?

Anyone can listen
A plant can listen
A therapist needs to HELP

Do you know who was helping?

Three guesses

That's right
Josina

She was helping, Allan
She was keeping me
From having a complete mental break
And now God only knows what I'll do

It's been two days
And already the apartment is a mess
I have no idea where the mop is
Maybe she stole that
Huh, Allan?
Do you think so?

Or maybe, what's more likely
Your mother took it
Like she took the tongs

The woman has a problem, Allan
And you pawning it off on our departed maid
Is not going to make it--

NO I WILL NOT KEEP MY VOICE DOWN!

There is dust in our home now, Allan
As if life wasn't unbearable enough
Now there is DUST

There is dust and grime
There is food that is rotting
There is mildew

We might as well be living in Bombay

And all because you came home one day
After having a few too many tonics
At your local after-work watering hole
And decided to fire my confidante

I don't have much in this world, Allan
I have my jewelry
I have my medication
And I had Josina

And you took one third
Of everything I had
Away from me

Do you think some other household
Won't snatch her up?

Mary Christine used to come over
And just glare at her
Like a lion glares at a zebra, Allan

I bet Josina's already over there
Scrubbing Mary Christine's floors
And you drove her to that, Allan
As sure as if you'd put her in a taxi
And shipped her there yourself

I'm not hiring ANOTHER maid
That's like asking me to hire another you
To be honest, I'd rather hire another you
Perhaps one that's less impulsive

And I'll tell you something else
I'm through with ironing
I ironed for an hour today
Completely missing All My Children

And you can't miss All My Children, Allan
You miss one episode
And you've missed everything
Somebody could have gotten shot today
And where was I?

Ironing your shirts
Like it's 1967 all over again
Like feminism never even happened
Even Florence Henderson didn't iron, Allan
Even the BRADYS had a maid

Let's just forget about dinner
How can I eat
Knowing I'll have to wash all these dishes
As soon as I'm done forking the food off of them
The barely-heated, somewhat thawed food
That I bought in the FREEZER SECTION

How can I even look at that slop
Let alone eat it?

Allan, you'd better get Josina back here
I don't care how you do it
But you'd better do it

Or so help me God
I'll move back into my mother's house
And I'll send her here to iron your shirts!