So I get to the concert
It was in Boston
Next to the Pea Pod
Which was where I used to go
To get drunk and meet guys from Spain
When I was going through my Spanish phase
1991 was a wild year
I didn't know who was playing
I just wandered into the venue
Said hi to Paulie
Who I was screwing on the side
When I felt like a little Russian
(Paulie was only 5'4)
Walked past Paulie
And right onto the stage
I didn't care who was playing
Chances were
I knew the words
He was halfway though a cover
Of 'Do You Believe in Magic?'
Before I realized who he was
That was back during the Tin Machine years
And for a second
I almost walked off the stage
Then he winked at me
And I knew I wasn't going anywhere
It was regret at first sight
After the show
I signed a few autographs
While he waited for me
I was big in Boston in those days
Mostly because I juggled
Juggling was big in the early nineties
If you couldn't juggle
You were a nobody
Mozie Freelander was no nobody
I remember Bowie
I called him Crossbow
But that's a personal thing
So strike that from your record
S-teeeeeeeeeeee-rike
I remember him asking
What my real name was
And I told him
I can't tell you
Because I'm an artist
And an artists needs her non de plume
I'll give you a hint though
It could be Mary Ann Rosenfeld
Or it could be Jane Brown
I am a woman
Of many signatures
Back to Bow Tie Pasta
We get to the hotel
And the next thing I know
I'm eating puff pastry
Off his stomach
He hummed during our lovemaking
Which, by the way, lasted for hours
I'm confident that I'm the reason
He missed the Quebec stop on his tour
(The Canadians have never stopped hating me for that.)
He used to dress me up like Tony Curtis
And make me act out scenes
From 'Some Like It Hot' with him
I told him I do a better Jack Lemon
But what Bo Bo wants, Bo Bo gets
That's just the way it was
He used to fill the bathtub
With grape jelly and almonds
And make me sit in it
While he stirred the whole thing
With a giant wooden spoon
Wearing a wig
That made him look like Strega Nona
I won't say it didn't turn me on
Something about a man
With a wooden spoon
And an Italian accent
Just gets my cupboards lined
Eight amazing days went by
During which he wrote more songs
Than I could count
I became his muse
And I believe I can say with great certainty
That the LP 'Tin Machine II'
Had a lot of Mozie Freelander in it
We agreed to part ways
And never speak again
It broke my heart
But then again
So did Christian Slater
(Which is a story for another day)
People call me a liar
But I'll tell you something
Before 1991 David Bowie couldn't juggle
And as of 1993
He was up to four balls at a time
...Need I say more?
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