Holly Explains Bullying to Her Mother

Okay, I know what this is about.
I know you had a meeting with Mrs. Brugel.
And I know she told you about my incidents at recess.
The incidents involving Danielle Moreno.
And before you say anything
I'd like to speak on my behalf.

I don't know, Mother
If you remember being an eight-year-old girl
But even in the event that you do
It seems crucial to remind you
That I am not growing up
As part of the 'smoke grass and screw' generation
That you and Dad did

There are no more lovefests in the back of some disco
There are no more naked campfires at the commune
There are no more sock hops at the Juke Joint

Now there's class warfare
And let me tell you something

Your daughter is a goddammed general

Unfortunately, in war
There are casualties

Danielle Moreno
Is one such casualty

Now

I know you were bullied
When you were in school
So you probably sympathize with the fact
That poor Danielle has to come to school
In mis-matched clothing
Because her mother is color-blind

I'm sure you can identify
With the fact that Danielle
Doesn't merely have braces
But headgear that surround her
Making her look like a character
From Hellraiser

(I've been raiding the VHS closet)

I'm sure you're just devastated
To find out that your daughter
Who you think is such an angel

(Because you're so hopped up on Klonnies
It's amazing you can even focus on me right now)

Has been picking on another child
To the point where that child
Now has to be homeschooled

And I'm sure you want answers

You want to know why
Why, oh why
Have I become this monster?

Well, Mother, here's your answer:

Back the hell off me, woman

You have no idea the kind of power struggles
I endure on a daily basis
It took me a month to rise to the top of the third grade
And if you think I'm giving it up
To assuage your parental guilt
Then you can just give me up for adoption
And let someone with balls raise me
Because I don't shine my iron fist everyday
Just to have you look down on it

I may be a tyrant
But I'm a damn good one
There have already been three assassination attempts
And we haven't even gotten to Easter break yet

When they're trying to kill you
That means you're doing something right

Ohhh I'm sure
If it were up to you
I would step aside
Go into hiding
Transfer into Mrs. Dern's class
Where the classroom has a weird smell
And the kids are basically special needs

Brenna Davidson would take over Mrs. Brugel's class
And a lot more people would suffer
Than just Danielle Moreno

Having me in power
Is serving the greater good, Mother

So no, in answer to your unasked question
I will not relinquish power
And I will continue to torment Danielle
So that everybody knows not to fuck with me
And if you have a problem with that
Then I can get on the phone
Dial D.C.Y.F.
And tell them about the time I found you in the bathtub
Half-dead and drunk as a skunk
Because your latest on-the-side found out
You're about as fun in bed
As a bag of cabbage

There
Are we done now?