Control

So I stopped doing the drugs
And everybody was all thrilled

Like they sent me away to Florida
To this really nice place
And I came back sober
And tanned
And whatever, it was great

They were all so happy
They threw me a party
There was cake

And what I didn't tell them
Was that at rehab
My roommate, this really cool girl named Shelly
Told me that I really wanted to quit the drugs
I should just start making myself throw up

And you know what?
She was completely right

You see, Shelly did something
That none of the doctors could do

She gave me a replacement addiction

She recognized that I have a need
To be in control of something
And so she gave me something
I could control

Everybody was so shocked
At how easily I gave up the drugs
But the drugs were never the issue
So giving them up wasn't a problem

Control was the problem
The issue, whatever
I could never give up control

And so they sent me out of there
Like I was cured
Except they don't say 'cured'
Heaven forbid
And they hadn't even begun to cute me
Because they had no idea what my actual problem was
Because as soon as they sat me down in front a therapist
I started crying about the uncle that touched me when I was little
And the therapist got all excited
Ready to take on this textbook abuse victim case
And he never once suspected bullshit
Or maybe he just didn't care
Who knows?

It's not easy to break a control freak

It's much easier to give a crying girl a Kleenex
And teach her how to trust again

The truth is, I'm just fucked up
I wouldn't know what to make of stability
If I had it in my life

It just doesn't interest me

So I ate the cake they served at the party
And then I threw it up
And I thought--Wow, okay, this could work

I mean, not work in the traditional sense
But in terms of keeping me in check, okay?

And maybe this all sounds awful
And I know it flies in the face
Of what all of you perceive to be, I don't know
The normal story of an addict
Or someone with an eating disorder
Or whatever
But if you understand
That none of that matters
That it just has to do with control
And power
And the feeling that...

That you know what's coming next

That's what I like

I like knowing where I'm going
Even if I'm going down

Do you get that?

Because if you don't

Huh

Well, fuck

I don't blame you
I really don't