You Don't Need That Muffin

Hi sir, welcome to Maggie's Bakery
Home of the World Famous Chocolate Avalanche Muffin
I'm Julie, and I'll be your Bakery Assistant today
How can I help you?

You want the World Famous Chocolate Avalanche Muffin?
Excellent!

Can you just step right over here for me
And we'll have a quick chat
While I let my co-worker Darian
Help these other nice customers?

Great, thank you so much

So would you like us to put sprinkles on the--

Sir, listen to me

You don't need that muffin

I know I just told you about it
And I'm sure I made it sound delicious
But the truth is
It's a heart attack riding a coronary
Waiting to hop on your organ train, sir

You see, I'm a rogue baker
A secret nutritionist
Who infiltrates places
Where unhealthy food is sold
And convinces poor helpless consumers like yourself
Not to engage in a hazardous lifestyle
Full of sugar and dairy and raw pork fat
Like the kind we bake into our Maggie's Bangin' Brownies

No, sir, you cannot have a brownie!

You're not listening to me
Your health is crucial
That's why we double agents exist!

Just last week, my boyfriend Skylar
Got named at Pat's Pizza Palace
When he tried to save some poor woman
Who ordered two Pat Deluxes
And a side order of Bacon Bread

Sir, I once ate one slice of Pat's Bacon Bread
On a dare in college
And I woke up three days later
In an alleyway
Wearing ripped fishnets
With a cigarette dangling out of my mouth

I was also on a large amount of drugs at the time
But that's not the point

Is that what you want for yourself, sir?

To turn into a bad episode
Of Jake and the Fat Man?
Where YOU'RE the Fat Man?

I want you to really think about this muffin
And whether or not you want it
And also, what you really want for your soul
Think about your soul, sir
Your skinny little soul
That can only gain so much weight
Before you have to trade it into the Devil

And that Devil's name is Maggie, sir
It's Maggie with Hell's Bakery and she--

Okay!  Well, I'm sorry you changed your mind
But please come back again sometime!

Darn it, Darian
That's the fifth customer I've lost this week

You know, maybe we should start offering salads

I bet they'd be a big hit