When We Go to Hear the Band

When we go to hear the band
I have to tell Kandy not to freak out
Because as soon as anybody talks to her
She, like, freaks out
And it's so embarrassing
So then I try and pretend I don't know her
But at the end of the night
She's usually getting in some guy's car
Who looks like the actors they use
For the reenactments of murder cases on A&E
So I pull her away
And say she's my sister
Or my lesbian, my own personal lesbian
Or whatever, whatever gets the guy to back off
One time I had to kick the guy in the tick tock
Because he was being all rape-y
And Kandy was crying
And I just wanted to go home
And watch reruns of SVU
And go to bed
So bang
Right in the moosehead
Turns out he was Kandy's uncle
And she called him to pick her up
But she couldn't tell me that
Because somebody slipped something into her drink
And all she would say after awhile was--
'Vote for Nixon'

When we go to hear the band
This guy who sort of likes me is usually there
And I think he's sort of cute
But, like, not when he's looking at me
But when he's not looking at me
I think he's way hot
And I'm like, 'Why aren't you looking at me?'
So then I try to get him to look at me
And as soon as he does, I'm like--'Ew, don't be rape-y'
And then he stops, and then I'm like--'Ew, why am I bitch?'
But that's what happens
When your mother is a school psychologist
At least if she were just a psychologist
I'd be fully messed up
Instead of just sort-of-messed-up in a school-ish way
Because she got her degree
From Eastern Indiana State
Which I'm pretty sure isn't even a real place
But I don't say that to her
Because if I do
She'll stop writing me prescriptions for adderall
And if that happens
I definitely won't pass any of my classes
And I'll have to go to the same fake college she went to

When we go hear the band
We have an amazing time
Until we get there
And then I'm over it

But at home, before
When Kandy's still sober
And I'm not irritated
And my sister's boyfriend is walking around shirtless for no reason
And he mumbles something
And I think it's 'I love you more than your sister'
All that's pretty fun

I mean, for a Tuesday anyway