Life in Gotham City

Well, we had to cancel the birthday party
Because of Mr. Freeze

He blew up a bank downtown
And that means Clive's security company
Went to a Code Blue
Which isn't really anything all that uncommon

I kept saying, 'Clive, can't someone else handle the Code Blue
Just this once?

We got that new boy band to perform
But no, no, no
Code Blue means Big Boss has to be there
And so no Clive
And so no party
Because I can't handle all those teenagers myself
Not without heavy drugs
And my pharmacologist is trapped in Metropolis
Because the entire city
Has some sort of force field around it
So no refills for me

You know, I have to tell you Katrina
I'm really considering moving

I love Gotham as much as the next girl
But could we go a few weeks
Without a supervillain incident?

I'm scared to buy theater tickets
For fear we're all going to be quarantined to our homes again
Like when the Joker set off that laughing gas downtown

Coincidentally, that was the first and last time
I ever saw my mother-in-law smile

You know, it was fun living here
When Clive and I were younger
And we played life as it came
So that bank robberies and street shootings
Only added to the romance
But now it's just all one big inconvenience

And to be honest
I'm starting to get concerned
That Clive will only make love to me
When I'm dressed like the Riddler

I mean, Catwoman I can understand
Poison Ivy sure
But the Riddler?

Well, Clive always did love a good jigsaw puzzle

You know, I go to see my sister in L.A.
Where they don't have superheros
And everybody there has relocated
From places like this

A woman there told she moved after she woke up one day
And Batman had just thrown someone on her car
Destroying the windshield

And wouldn't you know that her insurance wouldn't cover it?

So now she has a shattered windshield
And all anybody would say to her was--

'Well, the guy was carrying an explosive device
That could have wiped out the city!'

That's all well and good
But what about her windshield?

Nobody cares about people anymore
The common people, I mean
People and their windshields
That's why I think it's time to move
Because I don't want to live in a place
Where as long as we're not all blown up by a lunatic
Then we're supposed to just go about our lives
And be happy paying for broken things
Like there's some giant windshield tree in the middle of the city
That just sprouts money

Or something

I'm mixing metaphors
It must be the Bloody Mary's

I'm sorry, Katrina
But Gotham City just isn't enough for me anymore

I mean, the adrenaline is wonderful
Don't get me wrong

Fearing for your life
After you've just popped a few Xanax
Is absolutely exhilarating

Letting that mix of relaxation
And sheer terror
Mingle in your mind
Like terriers at a dog park

But what does it mean that I'm getting used to all this?

Last week, I walked into the Penguin
Right into him
Right on Brewster Street

And he tried to kidnap me
And I said--
"You know what?  Just do it
Go ahead"

I mean, I wasn't doing anything that weekend anyway
And I would have LOVED an excuse
To blow off Cheryl's wedding

But he seemed sort of disappointed
At my willingness
So he just backed away
And went down some sewer hole

God, even the mutants don't want to harass me
No wonder Clive hasn't touched me in--

Oh boy, we'd better switch restaurants
I think the man coming down the street in the tank
Has our table in his sights

Another brunch
Down the drain