King Richard the Fanatic Explains Sex to His Son

Well, to begin with--

One must undress the woman

To do so, one must remove her clothes
And while this happens
The man must be vigilant
And not look at the woman
For if he does
His eyes shall light afire
And fall out of his skull
As the angels cry from above

Once the woman is undressed
The man--

Still with closed or shielded eyes

Must respectfully mount her
And--

Oh wait, I forgot

You must also disrobe yourself

It's easier to do this
Before the woman enters your chambers
But be sure she does not look upon you
Or her purity will shrivel up
And fall onto the floor
While she turns into a brown badger
Which must be killed and burned
For it will not only have the soul
Of the tarnished woman
But of the devil himself
And the angels will cry from above

Now--

Once you're both disrobed
And you've mounted her
You must say the Lord's Prayer
Over and over again
To cleanse the sin from the fornication
Which is, in and of itself, sin
So it's a very tricky procedure
Which requires a lot of focus

You must say the prayer
While fornicating
And not falter
Or else you shall become glued to the woman
At the spot which you are joined
And you shall stay this way
For all eternity
And the angels will cry from above

You must say the prayer
And, of course, maintain stiffness
Or the entire process
Will be for naught

And when you have...completed your journey
Through this sin-filled, disgusting
Wasteland of human relations

You will have, hopefully created an heir
A male heir, a strong male heir
Preferably with hair as blonde as Gabriel's
Or else you will risk angering the Lord
And your male parts shall grow to the size of a willow tree
And engulf the rest of your body
As punishment

Meanwhile, the woman shall be killed
In front of a chanting, feverish crowd of onlookers
For failing to do her duty
And her innards will be spread over the kitchen floor
Of her family home
As a warning to all those girls
Who believe fornicating without a pleasing result
Is acceptable in a holy kingdom

...And the angels will cry from above, of course

So...

Any questions?