When You Let Your Boyfriend Build the Bunker

When you let your boyfriend build the bunker
You've already made a HUGE mistake

For one thing
You're supposed to build bunkers
Underneath the ground

Not in his father's tool shed

Apparently your boyfriend
Is not AWARE of this

He should also have stocked up on water
Not Doritos, or Tostito's
Or Funyons, or Mayonnaise
Or anything that will expire
Or egg salad
Five minutes after you buy it

There is not one can of peas
In that entire tool shed slash bunker
Yet he bought brownie mix
And seven jars of peanut butter

Apparently we won't be talking much
After the Apocalypse
Because our mouths will be glued shut
With peanut butter and egg salad

When you let your boyfriend build the bunker
He will try to install a jacuzzi in it

He's convinced that we're going to be--

Quote

'Really stressed out once the world ends...and shit'

So he decides to put in a jacuzzi
To relieve stress

The problem is that the jacuzzi
As you can imagine
Will take up quite a bit of room
So most of food will have to be stored in the jacuzzi
And when the jacuzzi is in use
We'll have to hold the food above our heads

I don't know how I feel about
Holding up bags of funyons
While I'm jacuzzi-ing

When you let you boyfriend build the bunker
He will forget to build windows
And an extra door
And shelves
And some material in the walls
To protect the bunker
From radioactive material

Basically, his bunker will be a giant failure

It won't actually be a bunker
It will look like a bachelor pad
Built by a really fat misogynist
From the 1970's

...But all over the ceiling...

There will be photos of you
And him and you
And the two of you
Together

And when you ask him
Why he put all those photos
On the ceiling
Of the bunker

He will say--

'It'll remind me why I built it in the first place.'

And instead of rolling your eyes
As you would normally do

You'll give him a kiss on the cheek
And tell him
Very sweetly
To try again