Tony Hooper's Friend Tony

I have a special friend
That I'd like to tell you about
And why he's special

First of all, his name is Tony
Which is my name
So obviously, I'm a fan
His name is Tony Mars
I'm Tony Hooper
Don't get confused

He used to sit by himself
At the table in the cafeteria
Because he's...

Um...

He can't talk really well
And he's a special chair
To help him get around
And he makes the other kids really nervous
But he doesn't make me nervous
Because my Uncle Roger is in a special chair
And when we went to Disney World
We got to cut all the lines
Because of the special chair
So in my book
The special chair really is special

So I wasn't nervous around Tony at all
And I felt bad that nobody was sitting with him at lunch
So I went and sat with him
And it turns out that even though he has trouble talking
He has really deep thoughts

Like for instance
He told me
That he wants to be an astronomer when he grows up
Because in space
He wouldn't need his chair

I told him
That when I grow up
I want to win the lottery
And never have to work
And have a trophy wife
Which is a wife you keep in a golden cup
On your mantel

I guess those wives are smaller
Than normal wives
Which is probably really convenient
Since who wants to share their bed
With somebody big?

Second of all, my friend Tony doesn't let other people bother him

Like, for example, the other kids in our class
Who wouldn't sit with Tony even when I did
Despite the fact that I am clearly the coolest kid in the class
And that means I'm a trendsetter

But hard as I tried
I just couldn't set the trend
Of sitting with Tony

Fat Pants said he didn't want to sit with Tony
Because who wants to sit with a retarded kid
And everybody laughed

That made me angry

I said he's not retarded, Fat Pants, he's special
Just like how you're not 'morbidly obese and covering up your insecurities by making fun of others' you're 'husky'

Or like how Nicole's Dad isn't 'in jail because he defrauded the government' he's 'on a special vacation'

Or like how our teacher, Mrs. Brugel, isn't taking 'prescription drugs at lunchtime for her manic episodes' she's 'taking her vitamins'

I told my fellow classmates that we all have special terms
That we give ourselves
So that we don't feel bad
About being ourselves
And we use those terms when we talk about other people
So they don't feel bad about themselves either

My Dad says this technique was developed by WASPs

Shocking, I know
Who would have thought that insects
Could be so socially conscious?

After I explained special terms to my classmates
They started sitting with my friend Tony
And Nicole even invited him to her birthday party next week
Her Dad might even be there if he gets out on par--

I mean, if his 'vacation ends early'

Finally, my friend Tony's Mom is super nice

She had me over for lunch
And she made a real meal
Not like the cheese snacks my Mom gives me

My Mom always says that a person
Should only eat one real meal a day
And all their other food
Should be able to fit
On the rim of a martini glass

I guess that's how come I get to eat so many olives

Tony's Mom made us ham sandwiches
And when Tony was in the living room
She pulled me aside
And thanked me for being friends with her son

'Well, thanks for letting me BE friends with him, Mrs. Mars--and thanks for the ham'

She looked like she was going to cry
I don't know why adults get sad when kids say nice things

Maybe I can discuss it with my friend Tony
When we have lunch tomorrow