Raphael, please come in...
Have a seat
God, how do I say this?
Raphael, you know that you're my favorite ninja turtle
But lately...
I've been...noticing things...
Look, I know what you're wondering
Why is Matthew looking at me funny?
Why is he wearing a lab coat he borrowed from his Dad?
Why are all the other stuffed animals placed in a circle all facing me?
But I think you actually know the answers to these, questions Raph
I think you do
We're all here
Because we love you
And because...
You're an addict
Yesterday, I came home from school
To find you laid out on my bedroom floor
Surrounded by pop tart crumbs
Did you think I wouldn't notice?
Ralph, we've all noticed
You missed G.I. Joe's birthday last week
And you showed up with vanilla frosting
All over your face
I was repulsed
We all were
Hee-Man went to the toy bins two nights ago
And he said he found you at the bottom of the bin
Eating strawberry filling
Off that Barbie doll Grandma gave me
When she couldn't remember which grandkid I was
Is this how you want to live?
As a fellow, honorary, self-appointed mutant ninja turtle--
Given name: Van Gogh
--I had to step in
Raphael, I can no longer support you
Emotionally, financially, spiritually
Or ask my Mom to buy you that ninja turtle van you want...
If you do not agree to leave today
And go to the rehabilitation center
I've set up in my closet
Using the Ghostbuster House
And run by my old friend, Teddy Ruxpin
A recovering pt addict himself
I'm going to have to sell you at a yard sale
Please accept this gift
So that we can go back to fighting Beebop and Rock Steady
I want you to be there
When I watch my first rated PG-13 movie
I want you to help all of us
Help you
Help yourself
You're the best, Raph
I'd say I love you
But that would be weird
Because we're both dudes
So...
Will you go?
. . . . .
Cowabunga, man
Cowabunga
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