Christopher Lays with Matt

Christopher opens his eyes

He was dreaming about a pyramid
About him and Matt
Being trapped inside one

Just the two of them
Surrounded by Afterlife

Every time they make love
Christopher has to keep an eye on the clock
So that he doesn't keep Matt too long

Ten minutes past ten
And Matt's phone starts ringing

His wife wondering where he is
And when is he getting home
And did the poker game run late again?

Christopher wonders why she never wonders
Why Matt always comes home
With the same amount of money in his wallet

Christopher knows his wife checks his wallet
Because you know things about the woman
Whose husband you're sleeping with

A connection is formed between two people
When one wrongs the other
In that sort of way

He dreams of outlandish situations
Where they could live out their lives
Unencumbered by guilt
And ringing cell phones

He wonders if he's any better
Than the woman who stole his Daddy from his Mama
And he knows he's not
He knows he's just as bad

A home doesn't care who wrecks it

Matt says this is his favorite part
Lying here with Christopher

After the sex
And the showering
And the duel sandwiches
And the second round

Before the time dwindles
And his anxiety reappears
As goosebumps on his skin

He loves it when they lay together
Under four different blankets
Of various colors and sizes
And the weight of the comfort
Makes them feel safe
Against the reality

At least that's how Christopher feels
More than likely, Matt feels safe already

If he were with another woman
He might be nervous
Because then he'd be having an affair
He'd be cheating on his wife
He'd be doing a bad thing

But this--this is nothing

This is a bad habit from high school
That never kicked itself

This is a dalliance
It's a physical necessity
It might not even be sexual

It might just be like biting your nails
You try to stop doing it
And eventually you realize
It's better than other things
You could be doing

You realize it's just who you are
You bite your nails
And you're not happy about it
But you keep doing it anyway

Matt is a nail-biter
And Christopher is gay
And that's what it is

And that's how Matt feels about it
And Christopher knows how Matt feels about it
And Matt knows how Chris feels
And they don't talk about how they're feeling
So the whole thing is pointless anyway, isn't it?

Feeling anything
Pointless
Right?

Right

Christopher lays with Matt
And resists the urge
To whisper into his ear--

'We just had sex, Matt. We, you and I, had sex. It was sex, and it was good, and it's what you want, and it's who you are, and it's not going away, except I might be, because I don't want to do this anymore, because you've got a son that's the same age as I was when my Daddy left, and I hate myself for that, and I hate you for that, and I hate my Daddy, and I love you, and I want to fucking kill you, and I want to fuck you, and I want to see what your wife looks like, and I'm crazy, and you're making me this way, and I want you to wake up. I want you to wake up. I want you to wake up...'

Christopher lays with Matt
And prays over him
Seeing if his prayers
And his wishes
And every cosmic favor he's stored up over the years
Can send them back in time
Into that pyramid
Where they can lock the doors behind them
And spend the rest of eternity
With only each other

He runs his hands over Matt's body
As if he's performing a ritual
A ritual he performs three nights a week
One that fails to take every time

A spell to keep him
To keep him sleeping
Because if he can't wake up
Can't he just stay asleep
Next to Christopher
Both of them...

And then the phone rings
And Matt stands up
And kisses Chris
And begins to get dressed

And Christopher lays there
By himself
Surprised at how quickly
He starts to feel cold