My Promise Ring

I wear a promise ring

I promise not to have sex
Until marriage

I promise to roll the dice
On some homely, naive girl
Who will be traumatized on our wedding night
Because she will wait until then
To learn anything about her body
A man's body, sex, what happens during sex

You know, any of that stuff

She will spend the evening
Throwing up in the bathroom
Praying that the rest of her married life
Will not be like what just happened

And I will sit on the side of the bed
In my boxer shorts
And white t-shirt
Wondering how long I have to wait
Before I suggest an annulment

This ring signifies
That though I can flaunt my sexuality
Like the pop idols I emulate
I must remember that HAVING sex
Is not the same thing as SHOVING SEXUALITY IN EVERYBODY'S FACE

Therefore, I can ride ice cream trucks with stripper poles
I can wear jeans so tight my voice goes up two octaves when I speak
I can dry hump every girl, boy, and curved piece of furniture I can find
And then I can wed someone like me
At the appropriate age of eighteen
And all of that will be fine with Jesus

This is a promise ring
And it means that I can want to do something
More than I've ever wanted to do anything in my entire life
And as long as I don't actually do it
I'm totally cool with the big guy upstairs

It's sort of like if you really wanted to maim and kill someone
But you don't actually do it
Then there's nothing wrong with you at all

Isn't that amazing?

And whenever I'm laying with my girlfriend on the couch
With nothing but our underwear on
And our favorite rock band--His Disciples
Is playing in the background
And I start to feel myself
Getting carried away

I just look at that ring
And know that if I were to have sex before marriage
My penis would turn black
And start spitting out fire

And I remember how important it is
To keep a promise