The Last Time We Had Sex

The last time we had sex
You were in New York
And I was here

You were thinking of Empire ideals
And new apartments next to bakeries
Next to delis
Next to delirious
Considering how you were going to achieve
A high-paying job
And an artistic outlet
And an identity

I was thinking of a summer
Spent in a place built for snow
Not breezes

And I was thinking of you leaving
And I was thinking of us breaking
Not up, but apart

Like two people on two icebergs
Drifting apart
While holding hands
Feeling our arms' limitations
And our vast expectations
Dwindle just like our images
On the horizon

The last time we had sex
You were staring up
And out

And I was crying into your shoulder
And making up poems
To send you
About distance
And its irrelevance

Basically Hallmark cards
Full of bullshit
Saying 'We'll make it'
Knowing we won't

The last time we had sex
We were planning and budgeting
Weekend trips and skipping work
And the jerks who would hit on you
In cool bars in Brooklyn

And the numbers I'd find
Left behind at the tables
While I was waiting
Reading numbers of people
I would, of course, never call

We were thinking of all the life experiences
We wouldn't be experiencing
And ignoring the fact
That there would be
No end to this temporary situation

It would continue to be temporary
Thereby making it
Permanent

But we wouldn't call it that

At least, we didn't

Not the last time we had sex

The last time we had sex
We didn't think it would be
The last time we had sex

We thought it was good-bye for now sex
Not just good-bye

And yet we knew
And yet we didn't know

Like when you're a kid
And you know the whole tooth fairy thing
Is a little bit fishy
But you hang on
Because a part of you knows
That when you stop believing in it
You're not really a kid anymore

We knew as soon as we accepted
What was going to happen
We weren't going to be
Who we'd been with each other

And we liked those people
We really liked those people

And not just because
They were really good in bed

The last time we had sex
We finished and sat
On opposite sides of the bed
With our heads in our hands
Counting

Going 1, 2, 3, 4...

Like we were going to play
A really weird game
Of hide and seek
And forgetting to hide

We were wondering if we could somehow learn
To control time with our minds
And slow, slow, slow it down
And maybe take it back
And spread it out
And play with it a little

Create an eternity
Where we are making love
Perpetually

Rather than being in this state of leaving
Grieving over leaving
Anticipating leaving
Ruining now with leaving

The last time we had sex
We ended up sitting on that bed
Not looking at each other
Facing opposite walls
Falling down rabbit holes
Where break-ups and failure
Were all the possibilities we could see

And we were scared to turn around
Afraid that one of us might not be there
Afraid of what would happen
When we turn around