The Marquis de Sade Teaches Sex Ed

...And as you prepare to graduate next month
Remember that in college
They'll expect you to know
The difference between a sailor's knot
And a Ruben note
When you tie up your sex slave

Now, let's review some of what we've learned this semester
Before the oral exam tomorrow

I hear snickering

Perhaps the person snickering
Will be a little less good-humored
Once I dress them up like a nun
And paddle them with a leather frying pan

. . . . .

Lovely

Now...

I'd like to go over some of the key terms
That you'll need to know
To pass the exam

Girls, when I ask you what 'sadomasochism' is
I'm going to need you to respond with--

'A Sunday afternoon if brunch was expensive
And the guy paid for me'

Write that down

Statutory rape is when you have sex with a statue
That's too old for you

...And you like it

'Bondage' is 'sex with a mummy'

or

'A mummified person who wouldn't necessarily identify themselves as a mummy.'

Some people are trans-mummy, kids
And we don't want to offend them
Remember that

Now, when you're smearing cream cheese on someone
And waiting for the goats to lick it off
Before you dump a bowl of chili on them
That's callllllllled--?

Dear me, it's like pulling teeth with you, kids

An activity I would normally consider foreplay
But in this case--

OH! That reminds me!

If any of you would like bonus points on the exam
And believe me, some of you are going to need them
I'm going to give you the opportunity to go up one grade level
By describing me the easiest way to make a vicar climax

If you bring IN a vicar
And make them climax
I'll bump you up two grade levels

Got it?

Lovely

Now, I've graded your papers
On how to masturbate without your hands

Jean, I was particularly impressed with your paper

I had no idea pumpernickel bread
Could be so useful

Bradley, writing 'You can masturbate without your hands by using someone else's hands' was so pedestrian, I almost didn't grade you.

Then I flipped to page two
And saw the photos

I certainly hope you got that Senator's permission before you tied him up
But either way, A+

Monique, the fact that all you wrote was 'I don't masturbate because Jesus could see me' is...

Well, let's put it this way

If I wasn't an educator
I'd slather you in butter
Throw otter fur at you
And teach you to do things with a ladle
That have nothing to do with chicken minestrone

And you'd love it, baby
You'd love every minute of it
You seventeen-year-old courtesan!

. . . . .

Sorry, I lost my train of thought

Anyway, who wants some pumpernickel?
I just got it from the bakery this morning
And it's still...mostly...fresh

Ah, look at all those hands going up

This is why I do what I do