...So there we were
On the roller coaster
And we're thinking--
Is this really what Dr. Claven meant
When she said we needed to spice up our sex life?
But Roberta always wanted
To have sex on a roller coaster
So we made sure to sit in the back
Where nobody could see us
But what we didn't anticipate
Was that the back
Is the bumpiest part of the roller coaster
And we probably should have removed some clothing
Before the safety bar went down
And then Reggie keeps saying--
"This is unsafe! We're going to die! We're going to fall off the roller coaster and they're going to find our naked bodies on top of the cotton candy shack!"
An image that obviously kills the mood
Finally, Roberta manages to get her top off
But forgets to hang onto it
To put it back on
Once the quote unquote 'ride' is over
So it goes flying off
And there she is
Topless
Screaming
That everyone's going to see her breasts
Once the roller coaster stops
And Reggie is trying to fondle her
While at the same time
Remembering that roller coasters
Make him vomit
So he's fondling Robert
Trying not to throw up
Trying to get his pants off
Trying not to get the attention
Of the Japanese tourists in the car of front of him
Trying to calm down Roberta
Who's telling him that once he gets his pants off
She's tying them around her chest
So that nobody will see her breasts
And that everyone can see him pant-less
Because he's wearing boxers
And men don't care about that sort of thing anyway
But at the moment when he gets his pants off
They go flying off as well
Presumably to wherever Regina's shirt went
AND Reggie didn't wear his boxers
Because he thought it would hinder the process
So now Robert and Reggie were topless and pant-less
And Reggie was wondering if it would make more sense
To throw up on his half-naked wife
Or on the backs of the heads of the Japanese tourists
Which would assuredly make them turn around
And see what was going on behind them
And neither one of them was feeling very sexy
And Roberta had started crying
Because she noticed as they were going up the hill
That the four front cars
Were filled with children
From a local Catholic school
On a weekend field trip
And the two cars behind the children
Were filled with their teachers--all nuns
(And not fun nuns either, like in Nunsense
But real nuns holding onto rulers for dear life
As the coaster went upside down in a loop)
It was then--as they were dangling upside down
That Reggie and Roberta realized how awkward
Their private parts look
While suspended upside down
In mid-air
Finally, they were nearing the end of the track
And the thought of being brought inside
In front of teenagers on dates
And half-drunk semi-thrill seekers
And maybe even the Palladium Park mascot--Mr. Peabody
Was enough to make them want to jump out of the cars
And into the grassy area underneath the coaster
Where unsecured items like sunglasses and retainers
Go to die--along with pants and brassieres
That was when they heard a loud screech
And a voice came over announcement--
"Attention riders--an item has caught on the track
And stalled the ride. We will work on getting this cleared up
As soon as possible. Please stay in your cars and do not panic."
Roberta and Reggie rejoiced
Now they would have time to plan!
Perhaps they could steal the parkas
Off of the Japanese tourists
And use it to cover themselves
They were saved!
In celebration, they decided to follow through with their plans
And make love in the stalled roller coaster car
And nobody would ever know!
At this moment, however
Roberta and Reggie were unaware of two things
One--it was Reggie's pants that got caught on the track
Thereby saving the couple from unending embarrassment
And probable arrest
And
Two--the ride had stalled right in front of the camera
That catches photos of people as they're coming to the end
Presumably with sweat pouring down their foreheads
And looks of cooling terror on their faces
Currently the camera was catching a photo of Robert and Reggie
Following doctor's orders
Spicing up their marriage
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